Friends, Season 13
by Duck Life
Summary: Sequel to Seasons 11 and 12. Continuation of the series. Updates on Thursdays!
1. The One With The Pregnancy Test

_Scene ends and opens on the beach. An aisle is paved with sand. Beach chairs are set up for the guests. A portable altar is set near the water. Ross and Rachel are standing at the altar with Joey. Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are standing behind the altar. _

Voice-Over: Previously, on Friends:

Joey: By the powers vested in me, by the Internet and… Dumbledore, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

_Ross and Rachel kiss._

Chandler: Aw…

Monica: Chandler, I still really have to tell you something.

Chandler: What?

_Monica glances at Ross and Rachel, still kissing, and leans up to whisper in Chandler's ear. _

Monica (aside to Chandler): I think I might be pregnant.

_Temporary blackout, returns to scene, now present. Guests are beginning to exit._

Chandler: WHAT?

Rachel: What is it?

Chandler: I… just can't believe you two finally made it.

Monica: I know, I'm so happy for you two.

Chandler: Really? Would you say this happiness was something _growing inside you_?

_Monica elbows Chandler. Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens on the beach. Joey, Phoebe, Monica, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel are standing by the shore. _

Rachel: Oh, I can't believe Ross is my husband now.

_Rachel turns and hugs Monica._

Rachel: Sister-in-law!

_Rachel hugs Chandler._

Rachel: Brother-in-law!

_Rachel turns and looks at Phoebe and Joey. A pause._

Rachel: Buddies!

_Rachel hugs Phoebe and Joey._

Ross: We did it!

Rachel: I know!

Joey: I helped.

Rachel: Thank you very much, Joey.

Phoebe: Hey! Do you guys realize that Joey's married all of us now?

_A pause._

Joey: Hey, wait, what about me?

Monica: You can officiate yourself, Joey.

Phoebe: Ooh, yeah, that would be cool!

Joey: Yeah!

Chandler: Well, I think I'm going to go lie down before the reception starts. Monica would you like to join me?

Monica: Nope!

_Chandler drags Monica away. Chandler and Monica exit._

Ross: Okay, they're setting up the reception right now. I think we should just relax and enjoy the island for a moment.

Rachel: Ooh, we should go jet skiing! Or climb Haleakala!

Ross: I was thinking more along the lines of lying in the hammocks.

Rachel: Well that sounds fun, too.

Phoebe: Ooh! I'll come too.

Ross: Actually, Phoebe, I was kind of thinking it should be more of a husband-wife thing.

Phoebe: I _knew _I should have married Ross.

_Ross and Rachel exit._

Phoebe: Aren't you just so happy for them?

Joey: Mm-hm.

_A pause._

Phoebe: When do you think they're going to get divorced?

Joey: I give it two weeks.

_Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's hotel room. Enter Monica and Chandler. Chandler closes the door._

Chandler: You're pregnant?

Monica: Are you still _on _that?

Chandler: How did this happen?

Monica: Well, I think it started a few months ago when _somebody _said, "We don't need to use condoms anymore! We can't have kids!"

Chandler: _You _said that!

Monica: I know.

Chandler: How did you know you were pregnant?

Monica: Right before the wedding, I was in the bathroom. There was a free pregnancy test in the cabinet, so I figured, "What the heck?" and used it. And it was positive.

Chandler: Well, maybe it was a false positive.

Monica: Yeah, I thought that too, but we have no way of checking.

Chandler (sarcastically): Hm. If only there were some way, in this day and age, to check whether or not you're pregnant.

Monica: Yeah, but the bathroom only has one, and I can't borrow Phoebe's or Rachel's because I don't want anyone to know.

Chandler: Well, they're gonna figure it out when you get all fat.

Monica: Are you calling me fat?

Chandler: Whoa! Okay, you're definitely pregnant, you're never this crazy mad.

Monica: Are you calling me crazy?

Chandler: Please don't hurt me.

Monica: I'm sorry.

Chandler: Hey, why don't we go downstairs and buy a pregnancy test from the gift shop?

Monica: But then we'd have to pay for it.

Chandler: Yeesh, Monica, you have to stop being so frugal.

Monica: Are you calling me cheap?

Chandler: Okay, we gotta go.

_Exit Monica and Chandler. Scene opens in a coffee shop in the hotel. Rachel, Ross, and Phoebe are sitting on a couch in front of coffee table. Each has a coffee cup in his or her hand._

Phoebe: I love Maui! It's so exotic, and different from New York. It kind of feels like living a different life.

Rachel: I know!

_Rachel, Ross, and Phoebe each take of sip of his or her coffee. Rachel sits back. Enter Joey, running._

Joey: Phoebe! Come on! I just saw these people roasting a pig!

Phoebe: But Joey, I don't eat meat.

Joey: Yeah, but it had an apple in its mouth. Doesn't that mean it's one of those vegetarian pigs?

Ross (sarcastically): Yes, the rare _Swinus vegetates_, comprised of no pork.

Phoebe: Yum!

_Exit Phoebe and Joey. Rachel leans on Ross's shoulder._

Rachel: Hey, you.

Ross: Hey, Mrs. Geller.

Rachel: Greene-Geller. No, never mind, that sounds like a Dr. Seuss name. Just Greene. No, that's boring. Mrs. Geller. Only that kind of sounds like your mom-

Ross: How about just Rachel?

_Rachel smiles. Rachel and Ross kiss._

Rachel: So what are going to do now?

Ross: Well, the reception starts in a few minutes-

Rachel: No, I mean… long-term. We're married. What's next?

Ross: Well, I guess the next thing would be having a kid.

Rachel: We've already done that!

Ross: We could get a house?

Rachel: I don't want a house.

Ross: We could send out a Christmas card as a married couple.

Rachel: Eh.

Ross: We could go to Disney World again.

Rachel: Ooh, that sounds fun!

Ross: Rachel, I was kidding! We just went to Disney World and now we're in Hawaii. Do you think I'm made of money?

Rachel: It's not like you paid for the whole Disney trip!

Ross: It's not like you paid at all!

Rachel: You're unbelievable.

Ross: Thank-you.

Rachel: Not the good way!

Ross: I know.

_Enter Jack Geller, Monica and Ross's dad._

Jack: Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Geller, they're waiting for you. And by the way, I forgot to tell you, but congratulations, I've never seen two people so full of love for each other and-

Rachel: Why are you so obsessed with money?

Jack: Ah, married life.

_Exit Jack Geller. Exit Ross and Rachel. Scene ends and opens in a bathroom in the hotel. Monica and Chandler are standing in the bathroom. A covered pregnancy test is sitting on a table._

Monica: Is it ready yet?

Chandler: No.

Monica: How about now?

Chandler: No.

_A pause._

Monica: How about-

Chandler: I'll tell you when it's ready.

Monica: Okay.

_A pause._

Monica: Now?

Chandler: Monica!

Monica: I'm sorry! I'm excited.

Chandler: Well…

_A pause._

Chandler: Okay, now.

Monica: Yay!

_Monica runs over to the table. _

Monica: Oh…

Chandler: What?

Monica: I don't think I can look at it.

Chandler: Oh my God!

Monica: I need you to look for me.

Chandler: Okay.

_Chandler reaches for the pregnancy test. Monica leaps in front of him and steals the test. _

Monica: No, I can't, I have to see it.

_Monica uncovers the test, picks it up, and looks at it._

Monica: Oh.

Chandler: What?

Monica: It's negative.

Chandler: Really?

_Chandler runs up behind Monica and looks over her shoulder. A pause._

Monica: Well. I guess… I guess that's it.

Chandler: It's wrong.

Monica: What?

Chandler: The pregnancy test! It has to be wrong. Whoever made it is just… wrong. I'm going to write them a letter.

_Chandler turns and takes a pen and pad of paper from the table. _

Monica: Chandler.

Chandler (dictating while he writes): Dear Wrong People, You are wrong. Sincerely, Me.

Monica: You might want to be more specific.

Chandler: Right!

_Chandler writes something else on the pad._

Chandler: "You are _very _wrong."

Monica: Chandler, you're freaking out.

Chandler: Freaking out? I'm not freaking out.

Monica: Yes, you are. Look, I wanted it to be positive too, but it's not and we know why and we've already come to terms with it and we have two beautiful children at home.

Chandler: Well, yeah, I just…

Monica: I know.

Chandler: I mean, it felt like we would-

Monica: I know, Chandler.

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: You gonna be okay?

Chandler: Yeah.

_Monica hugs Chandler. Enter Rachel._

Rachel: Hey, gu- Monica, what are you holding?

_Monica looks down at the pregnancy test in her hand._

Monica: Um…

_Monica offers it to Rachel._

Monica: Happy wedding day!

_Scene ends and opens at a luau. Joey and Phoebe are sitting at a table. The both have drinks in front of them. Phoebe's drink has a lime in it._

Joey: Should we be getting back to the reception?

Phoebe: Probably.

Joey: Are you gonna eat your lime?

Phoebe: Ew! No!

_Joey reaches over to take the lime. Phoebe bats his hand away._

Phoebe: I don't want to see you eat it! That's disgusting!

Joey: No it's not. Limes are delicious. They're, like, one of the top five most delicious foods.

_Joey begins counting on his fingers._

Joey: Pizza, sandwiches, meatballs, limes… and more sandwiches.

Phoebe: Are they really that good?

Joey: Of course!

Phoebe: Then I think I'll eat mine.

Joey: You can't, I called it.

Phoebe: When?

Joey: Right now. Called it!

Phoebe: It's mine.

Joey: Naw-aw!

Phoebe: Yeah-huh!

Joey: Phoebe, that's very childish.

_Joey steals the lime and pops it in his mouth._

Joey: Ha!

_Joey's face contorts into a sour grimace._

Phoebe: Ha!

_Scene ends and opens in the bathroom. Monica, Chandler, and Rachel are standing near the door. Monica is still holding the pregnancy test. _

Chandler: It's not what it looks like!

Rachel: Oh, really? So you just take pregnancy tests for fun?

Chandler: Well, yeah... but, um, that's not what we were doing this time.

Rachel: So it is what it looks like?

_A pause._

Chandler: Well... yeah.

Rachel: How could you do this to me, Monica? It's my wedding day!

_Monica gestures toward her with the hand holding the pregnancy test while she speaks._

Monica: Hey, you did the exact same thing to me on _my _wedding day, _and _you kissed Ross on the night I got engaged, _and _– you probably do not want me flinging this at you.

_Monica sets the pregnancy test on the table._

Rachel: Well, of _course _I did all those things. I just always assumed that you were a better friend than me!

Monica: I did too!

Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry for having Emma and kissing Ross and being mad at you.

Monica: I'm sorry, too.

_Monica and Rachel hug._

Rachel: I'm also sorry for sneaking into your hotel room and stealing your little shampoo bottle.

Monica: That was you? I thought it was Ross!

Rachel: Oh, not important.

_Monica and Rachel hug. A pause._

Chandler: Okay, so we've established that we are _not _having a baby, can I get out of the women's restroom now?

_Credits appear on screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in a ballroom set up for a wedding reception. Guests in fancy attire are walking around. Enter Phoebe and Joey. _

Phoebe: I told you we would be late. I was sure it would be over by now.

Joey: Well, I needed something to get the sour limey taste out of my mouth.

Phoebe: An entire plate of pork? Look, there's Rachel.

_Phoebe points to a woman in a wedding dress and walks toward her._

Phoebe: Rache, I'm so sorry we're-

_Woman in wedding dress turns around. She is not Rachel. A pause._

Phoebe: So how do you know the bride?

**END OF SHOW**

**A/N: In the words of Joey: "I'M BACK BABY!" **


	2. The One Where They're All Single

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Monica are sitting on the couch. Joey and Phoebe are sitting in the two chairs at the end table. Chandler is sitting in the armchair. _

Phoebe: You guys ready for your honeymoon tomorrow?

Rachel: Yup.

Phoebe: Can you imagine where you'd be right now if you hadn't gotten off that plane to Paris? It's like if I'd never met Mike.

Joey: And if I'd never met Erin.

Monica: Wow, think about where we'd be if we were all single now.

Chandler: Don't look so excited about it.

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scenes are different now- include scenes with Rachel in Paris and Monica and Chandler fighting. Scene opens in Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe, and Monica are sitting on the couch. A plate with a muffin on it is on the coffee table._

Phoebe: Okay, who wants the last muffin?

Monica: Pheebs, that was here when we sat down.

_Enter Rachel. _

Rachel: Has New York always been this _smoggy_?

Phoebe: If you don't like it, start walking to work instead of driving.

_A pause._

Phoebe: Wait a minute.

_Phoebe turns around._

Phoebe: Rachel!

Rachel: Hey, Pheebs!

_Rachel and Phoebe hug. Monica and Rachel hug._

Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry I haven't visited lately. Work has been…

_Rachel notices Ross._

Rachel: Something about… Paris… Can I have that muffin?

Phoebe: It's not yours.

Rachel: That's why I asked.

Phoebe: Oh, take it, it's not mine, either.

_Rachel takes the muffin and sits in the armchair. Awkward pause. Ross stands up._

Ross: I should be getting back to work.

Monica: It's your day off.

Ross: Well, maybe I'll just go meet some people on the subway.

_Exit Ross._

Rachel: Oh, my God…

Phoebe: What, the muffin doesn't taste good? I can probably find you something else…

_Phoebe leans forward._

Rachel: No, Phoebe! It's Ross!

Phoebe: When isn't it?

Rachel: I cannot believe this happened to us. I can't even talk to him?

Monica: Oh, sweetie, I know it's hard at first.

Rachel: Yeah, and then I feel awful because here I am complaining, "Oh, poor me, I'm living in the most beautiful city in the world, I have a successful job and this guy says he loves me!" and I can't even _imagine _how he feels that I left him.

Phoebe: Little full of yourself.

Rachel: What?

_Enter Chandler and Joey._

Chandler: …and then we put all the sushi back and got dressed.

Monica: What?

Joey: You're right, that was fun!

Rachel: What was fun?

Chandler: Pretending to finish a fake conversation after walking in somewhere.

Joey: Hey… what's with the French girl?

Chandler: Joey, that's Rachel.

Joey: I was making a joke.

Chandler: And I was pretending not to understand that joke.

Joey: Why?

Chandler: I- because… Hello, Rachel!

Rachel: Hi! Oh, last week I was reading the newspaper and I thought of you.

Chandler: Why did the newspaper remind you of me?

Rachel: It didn't, but this guy walked past me while I was reading it that looked like you.

Chandler: Okay then.

_Chandler and Joey go to the counter._

Rachel: Oh, I'm really sorry about the divorce, Mon.

Monica: It's okay. You know, it was mutual, and the Geller name's got a great reputation down at the divorce court.

Phoebe: Has he moved his stuff out yet?

Monica: Actually, he's not moving out.

Rachel: Oh my God, you didn't get the house?

Monica: Oh, no, no, we're still living together.

Rachel: What?

Monica: It just makes sense. We have the kids, and we still get along. He's like… a roommate.

Phoebe: That's also your ex-husband.

Monica: Rachel and Ross did it, too!

Rachel: That was totally different.

Monica: How? You had married and divorced him, you had a baby together, and you were living with him.

Rachel: Yeah, well… that was an apartment, this is a house.

Monica: How does that make it different?

Rachel: I don't know.

_Scene ends and opens in Joey's apartment. Joey and Chandler are standing by the counter. Enter Ross._

Ross (morosely): Hi.

Chandler: Oh, can't you get a less depressing greeting? Like "I'm dying"?

Ross: Rachel's here.

Joey: I know, it's great! I missed her so much and- and nothing.

Ross: Why? Why did this happen to me? I mean, if she's just going to rip out my heart in front of everybody at the airport and then disappear, why… why couldn't she have just stayed away? Why did she have to come back and torture me?

_A pause._

Chandler: So I finally refilled my stapler. No, are we still on the whole broken soul thing?

Ross: I don't even know what I'm going to do. Ever.

Joey: I know what you're gonna do.

Ross: Don't say strip club!

Joey: I wasn't! Strip _joint_.

Ross: I don't need to go see strippers. I just… I need to be alone right now.

Chandler: You've been alone for two years!

Joey: Yeah, live a little! Go out and find a date.

Ross: You do realize that for people who aren't you, it isn't that easy, right?

Chandler: Look, Ross, you don't need a date tonight. Just work on it. Stop holing yourself up in your apartment and get out. Get a life.

Ross: I can always count on you for a reassuring and cliché-less pep talk.

Chandler: Up and at 'em! Get back on the horse! To get to the other side!

Ross: You know what I need to do? I've been divorced three times now, I need to just swear off women.

Chandler: My dad swore off women. Hey, what size raincoat do you wear? Although I guess you'd be in one that's about ten sizes smaller than that…

_Ross bumps his fists together and exits. _

Joey: I hope he's okay.

Chandler: Yeah, if I cared more I'd probably chase after him.

Joey: So, speaking of divorce-

Chandler: We weren't talking about divorce.

Joey: We were talking about Ross, so I figured…

Chandler: Oh! Right.

Joey: How've you been?

Chandler: I'm okay. I mean, at least it didn't happen at Thanksgiving. And at least I wasn't gay.

Joey (skeptically): Okay. Are you moving back in here with me?

Chandler: No, I'm staying in the house.

Joey: Are you sure you're gonna be able to stay there without Monica finding out?

Chandler: She knows.

Joey: Wait, you're going to be living in the house?

Chandler: Yes.

Joey: And she's going to be living in the house?

Chandler: Yes.

Joey: So…

_Joey squints as if he's thinking hard._

Joey: You two… are going to be living… together?

Chandler: No, we're going to be living there in shifts so we never have to see each other. Yes, we're living together!

Joey: Why would you do that? That's like breaking up with your girlfriend and then still going on dates with her.

Chandler: No, it's not. And it'll work, because we don't hate each other, we just don't… love each other anymore.

Joey: Well, I just don't want you two getting in fights and making everything all- wait a minute, that was your lying face!

Chandler: I don't have a lying face!

Joey: Dude, I see it every time you tell me about the girls you're dating. You're still in love with Monica!

Chandler: Oh no, I'm in love with the woman I married and had children with! It's the scandal of the century!

Joey: Seriously, though, you still love her?

Chandler: Well, yeah.

Joey: Then why did you split up?

Chandler: Well, you know, I don't know if it's so much that I _still _love her as that I love her _again_. I relove her.

Joey: Hey, there's no such thing as reloving or unloving. Either you always loved her or you never did.

Chandler: Wow, Joey, that was really deep.

Joey: Naw, I saw it in one of Rachel's romantic movies. But I still think it applies.

Chandler: Well, you know, I want to tell Monica how I feel, but I don't want it to make things awkward, or for her to get mad.

Joey: Okay, here's what you do: tell her, and if she freaks out, just pretend you're blind.

Chandler: What?

Joey: Yeah, it works all the time! She'll get really confused, and even if she's still yelling at you, you can just stumble away and walk into something.

Chandler: Are you talking, or just making random noises and moving your mouth?

_Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Phoebe stands up._

Phoebe: Well, I gotta go. I have a date.

Monica: Ooh, is this Mr. Internet?

Phoebe: Yup.

Rachel: You're going on a date with a guy you met online?

Phoebe: Well, Rachel, there comes a time when you simply get too old to just stick with flirting in the coffeehouse.

Monica: What about that guy you were talking to at the counter?

Phoebe: He doesn't understand that face-to-face conversation is worthless, the caveman. This is the age of computers!

_Phoebe mouths "Call me" to a man at the counter and exits._

Rachel: At least she's got a date. You know I've only been on, like, _two _dates since I got to Paris? And one of them was with a mime, and he just kind of stayed in his invisible box all night.

Monica: Rachel, if you're tired of being single, you could probably go talk to Ross.

Rachel: Oh, that has nothing to do with it. Besides, he's totally over me.

Monica (sarcastically): Right, that's why he acts all normal and calm around you.

Rachel: Well, just because he might be in love with me doesn't mean I feel the same way.

Monica: How can you not fe- you know what? Never mind.

Rachel: What?

Monica: Nothing I can say will convince you, so I'm just going to let you go your own way.

Rachel: That doesn't sound like you.

Monica: That's because I know that the second he actually does get over you, you're going to start pining after him.

Rachel: I... might do that a little. But it's not because I'm in _love _with him, it's because I miss, you know, the old times. When everything was simpler. You know, the pre-Facebook era.

Monica: Yeah, I miss it too.

_A pause._

Monica: But, you know, you can have a part of that back. Because Ross still loves you.

_Scene ends and opens in Joey and Chandler's apartment. Chandler is spinning around very fast in a chair. Enter Joey, with a girl._

Chandler: Hello, multiple Joeys!

_Chandler stands and blinks as if disoriented. Joey leads the girl to his room._

Joey: Okay, you just get ready and I gotta go check something.

_Girl exits to Joey's room. Joey exits to the hallway. Chandler follows him, standing in the doorway. Joey reenters with another girl._

Joey: Whoops, sorry, I forgot. My apartment is actually one floor below. Well, you won the race.

_Joey leads the girl to the spare room._

Joey: I'll be right in.

_Girl exits to spare room._

Chandler: Okay, I'm not even dizzy anymore and I swear I just saw two women.

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: Are you on _two _dates?

Joey: Pretty much.

Chandler: So, basically, there are so many women for you that they overlap?

Joey: Sure.

Chandler: So… if you're on a date with one girl…

_Chandler extends a hand to resemble one girl._

Chandler: And you're also on a date with this other girl…

_Chandler extends his other hand to resemble other girl._

Chandler: Why don't you just… you know…

_Chandler puts his hands together._

Joey: Chandler, women aren't just accessories that you can clash together whenever you want! They are meant to be respected and treated with importance and individuality.

Chandler: You already asked.

Joey: As a hypothetical question!

Chandler (sarcastically): So chivalry _isn't _dead. Why couldn't you have just had one of the dates tomorrow?

Joey: Because tomorrow _Survivor _is on.

Chandler: Oh my God!

_Scene ends and opens in a restaurant. Phoebe is sitting at a table across a man._

Man: Well, this has been great.

Phoebe: No it hasn't.

Man: What?

Phoebe: You don't look anything like your picture. And I think you also might have lied about your age.

Man: Excuse me?

Phoebe: Yeah, apparently the Internet _betrayed _me. This is why we shouldn't trust robots!

Man: You lied, too!

Phoebe: How?

Man: You said you were five nine, but I could swear you are almost an _inch _shorter than that!

_A pause. Phoebe stands and exits. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Monica is standing in the foyer. Enter Chandler._

Monica: Hey.

Chandler: Hey, Mon. Listen, I've been thinking…

Monica: I know, you're right. This isn't going to work.

_A pause._

Chandler: Right. Yeah, it's… probably a bad idea. I mean, what with the way the Swedish economy is going…

Monica: What?

Chandler: This is why we should never use pronouns! What are we talking about?

Monica: Chandler, I don't think we should live together.

Chandler: I know.

Monica: It's just that with everything that's happened, and seeing each other all the time, it could get really awkward, and things might end up… happening that shouldn't… be happening.

Chandler: Like this?

_Chandler and Monica kiss. _

Monica: Yeah, pretty much.

_Scene ends and opens outside Central Perk. Ross is walking down the street towards the coffeehouse. _

Ross (thinking, voice-over): I can do this. There's more to life than dating and women. Like dinosaurs. Just remember the dinosaurs. I don't need relationships.

_Ross enters Central Perk. Rachel is standing by the couch. Ross begins walking towards the counter but bumps into a woman. _

Ross: Oh, I'm sorry.

Woman: No, no, it's fine.

Ross: Are you okay?

Woman: Yeah, totally.

Ross: I feel like I should buy you a coffee to make up for it.

Woman: Well, that would be nice.

_Ross walks with the woman to the counter. Rachel collapses onto the couch, aggravated. Credits appear on the screen. _

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Joey's apartment. Joey is tip-toeing towards his room. The woman in the spare room enters._

Woman: Joey, what are you doing?

Joey: Uh…

_The woman in Joey's room enters. _

Other Woman: Who's she?

_A pause._

Joey: I'm blind!

**END OF SHOW**

**A/N: Let's play a game. Give me an actor/actress and I will connect him/her to Friends. For example, Miley Cyrus. She's on Hannah Montana with Emily Osment, who was on Friends. Go ahead, challenge me!**


	3. The One In Their Eyes

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Monica are sitting on the couch. Joey and Phoebe are sitting in the two chairs at the end table. Chandler is sitting in the armchair. _

Phoebe: So, Joey, how are things going with you and your betrothed?

_Joey stares at Phoebe._

Joey: My what?

Rachel: How's Erin?

Joey: Oh, it's going great! But, um… do you ever get the feeling that the person you're with has a completely different group of friends that you don't ever see? Like they're leading a completely different life?

_Monica and Chandler look at each other, as do Rachel and Ross._

Chandler: All the time.

Phoebe: I know what he means. Sometimes I feel like Mike and I run in completely different circles.

Joey: You mean like a dog chasing his tail?

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Carol and Susan's apartment. Carol is sitting on the couch, watching TV. An infomercial for ShamWow is playing. _

Vince the ShamWow Guy: …and leaves it three-hundred percent cleaner! Just dial 1-800-SHAM.

Carol: This thing is ridiculous!

_Carol looks around, grabs the phone, and begins dialing. Enter Ben._

Ben: Hey, Mom.

_Carol throws the phone behind the couch, turns the television off, and stands. _

Carol: Hey, sweetie, how was school?

Ben: Good.

Carol: So, um… do kids still think a magic cloth that can clean anything is cool?

Ben: No?

Carol: Then never mind. Any tests today?

Ben: Nope.

Carol: Funny stories?

Ben: Some kid on crutches tripped at lunch!

Carol: Okay, I said funny, not disturbing.

Ben: Can I ask you something?

Carol: Sure.

Ben: I kind of have a crush on this girl in my class.

_A pause._

Carol: Okay, I think we should move _away _from the disturbing stories.

_Scene ends and opens in a café. Erin is standing at the counter, buying a salad._

Man at Counter: One salad.

Erin: I know I'm eating alone, but just to let you know, I'm not lonely. I'm engaged, my fiancé just isn't here right now.

Man: Fine.

Erin: It's just that you had that look. Like you're judging me.

Man: Just get your dressing and go away.

Erin: Okay.

_Erin takes the salad and turns around, almost walking into a man (Brad.)_

Erin: Oh, sorry.

Brad: Erin?

Erin: Oh my God, Tony!

Brad: Brad.

Erin: You didn't let me finish! Oh my God, Tony-award winning Levi Kreis look-alike, Brad!

Brad: I haven't seen you in such a long time. I just got here, do you want to sit together?

Erin: Um… that might be kind of awkward…

Brad: Sounds great! I snagged a table over by the window.

_Brad gestures to a table. Scene ends and opens in Mike and Phoebe's apartment. Mike is sitting on the couch, talking on the phone. _

Mike (on the phone): Yeah, I'm calling about the ShamWow. Now, in your commercial the price is 19.99… would you be willing to accept, instead…

_Mike sticks his hand between the couch cushions and rummages around. He then extracts his hand, holding several coins._

Mike( on the phone): Forty cents, a Snickers wrapper, and…

_Mike sticks his hand back under the couch cushions and extracts it again, now holding a sock._

Mike: Hey, my favorite sock! (on the phone) Hello?

_Mike sighs and hangs up the phone, setting it back in its cradle. Enter Phoebe._

Phoebe: You okay?

Mike: Completely broke.

Phoebe: But you're a big, famous musician!

Mike: Phoebe, the biggest job I've had all year was a birthday party at a nursing home. Do you know how long I had to play the "How old are you?" song?

Phoebe: I'd try to help you out, but I'm a freelance masseuse. I guess we're both broke.

Mike: There's always Joel.

Phoebe: We are not selling our son!

Mike: No! I wasn't even considering that.

Phoebe: Then what-

Mike: So we fake his kidnapping, right? And then we get the police to help us out with the ransom money, and then-

Phoebe: Goodbye, Mike!

_Exit Phoebe. Scene ends and opens in Carol and Susan's apartment. Carol and Ben are sitting on the couch. Enter Susan._

Susan: Hey.

Carol: Hey. So, Ben told me something interesting today.

Susan: Oh really?

_Susan begins taking off her coat._

Carol: Apparently he likes a girl at school.

_Susan immediately pulls her coat back on and walks toward the door._

Susan: See you later.

Carol: Susan!

_Susan turns around and walks into the living room. She sits in a chair._

Susan: Ross set this up so that we would get him during all this, didn't he?

Ben: I just need some advice. What kinds of things do girls like?

_A pause._

Susan: Cleavage!

_Carol gives Susan an exasperated look. Scene ends and opens in the café. Erin and Brad are sitting at a table, Erin with a salad. _

Brad: You look great.

Erin: Thanks, you look… healthy. Been eating a lot of fruits and vegetables, I guess?

Brad: Sure.

_Awkward pause._

Erin: So, I met a guy.

Brad: You did?

Erin: Yeah, once. I met a guy in high school. His name was Greg. Haven't seen him since.

Brad: What?

Erin: I'm sorry, I'm just making bad jokes to break the tension. No, I really did meet a guy. Joey. We're actually engaged.

Brad: That's great! Yeah, I got married a while ago.

Erin: You're not wearing a ring.

Brad: I'm lying.

Erin: Okay…

_Awkward pause. Erin takes a bite of her salad and chews it loudly. _

Erin: You know… a few weeks after we broke up, I found out I was pregnant.

Brad: What?

Erin: Yeah.

Brad: Why didn't you tell me?

Erin: You said we would stay friends! So I figured I'd tell you about it at our next _friendly _barbecue!

Brad: Did you have the kid?

_Brad grabs a boy walking near the table._

Brad: Is this him?

Erin: No, Brad, that's just some random kid! Let him go!

_Brad lets the boy go. He runs away._

Erin: I got an abortion.

Brad: Oh my God, Erin, I'm so sorry… you should have told me…

Erin: No, it's fine. I'm okay.

_The man from the counter from earlier walks past._

Erin: Hang on, I need to do something. (to the man) See? I have someone to eat with!

_Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Gunther is standing behind the counter. Enter Mike._

Mike: Hey, Gunther.

Gunther (confused): Hey…

Mike: Can I have a job?

Gunther: Uh… I guess? Yeah, probably. It's actually a good thing you want a job. One of our waiters just died.

Mike: Oh my God, what happened?

Gunther: Well, the cappuccino machine- I mean, drunk driver.

Mike: I'll take the job.

Gunther: Hey, do I know you from somewhere?

Mike: My wife Phoebe is in here a lot with her friends.

Gunther: Wait, you're one of _them_?

_Gunther gestures towards the couch._

Mike: Um…

Gunther: Get out!

_Scene ends and opens in Carol and Susan's apartment. Carol and Ben are sitting on the couch. Susan is sitting in an armchair._

Carol: Buy her chocolates.

Ben: She's diabetic.

Susan: Get her flowers!

Ben: She hates flowers.

Carol: Bring her some balloons!

Ben: She's allergic to latex.

Susan: What is wrong with this girl?

Ben: You know what, I know all the stories.

_Ben stands and begins to exit._

Ben: I'll just do what Dad did when he first met you, Mom.

Carol: Wait! No, honey, do you want her to lez out on you? What you need to do is just listen to her and respect her, and eventually she'll figure it out.

_A pause._

Ben: _Or_-

Carol: No or.

_Scene ends and opens in the restaurant where Erin and Brad are eating. Erin and Brad are sitting at the table. Erin's salad is mostly gone._

Erin: Well, it was nice seeing you again.

Brad: Yeah, it was nice seeing you, too.

Erin: I should go, though.

Brad: Okay.

_Erin begins to stand up._

Brad: Wait.

_Brad puts his hand on Erin's arm._

Erin: Brad, what is it?

Brad: Erin… I'm still in love with you. And I want you back.

_Credits appear on screen. _

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in a bar. Mike is playing the piano on stage. He is just finishing a song (pick a song, any song.) His tip jar is empty. Mike sighs and begins playing the piano and singing._

Mike (singing): Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly-

_A woman stops in front of the piano. _

Woman: Is that a Phoebe Buffay song?

Mike: Yeah!

Woman: I love it! So glad she's getting more popular.

_Woman puts a bill in the tip jar._

Mike (singing): Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault!

**END OF SHOW**


	4. The One With The Question Game

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Chandler is sitting on the couch. Joey is sitting in a chair at the end table._

Chandler: Hey, Pheebs.

Joey: I'm Joey.

Chandler: Isn't that what I said?

Joey: No.

Chandler: Okay, nobody should talk to me in the morning before I have my coffee.

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Central Perk. Phoebe and Monica are sitting on the couch. Joey is sitting in the chair at the end table. Ross and Rachel are sitting in the armchair. Enter Chandler._

Chandler: Which Disney character do you guys think I'm most like?

_Chandler sits on the couch._

Joey: Ooh, Aladdin! No, the guy with the hook! What's his name? Captain… Captain…

Monica: And why do you want to know this?

Chandler: There's this game online where you answer questions about yourself and people you know.

Rachel: Oh, I play that, too!

Ross: Really? Do you answer questions about me?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: So what Disney character am I most like? Hercules? Prince Charming?

Joey: Will you stop confusing me, I'm trying to figure out who Chandler is! Not the Genie…

Phoebe: So, Chandler, what did you decide?

Chandler: Nothing.

Monica: It was a princess, wasn't it?

Chandler: Well, I didn't want to be a villain!

Joey: Mickey Rat!

_Scene ends and opens in Joey and Erin's apartment. Erin is sitting at the counter, talking on the phone._

Erin (on phone): Yeah, can I get a pizza? You know what, better make it two. See, I have to tell my fiancé some really bad- yes, apartment number 19. So anyway, this thing with my fiancé is- Hello?

_Erin hangs up the phone. Enter Joey. _

Joey: Hey.

Erin: Hi!

_Joey grabs a bag of Cheetos from the top of the refrigerator. _

Erin: Joey, we need to talk.

_Joey sits at the counter and begins eating the Cheetos._

Joey (with a full mouth): Sure. What about?

Erin: Well, see, it's… the thing is… okay, this really isn't a Cheetos kind of conversation.

Joey: I get it.

_Joey rolls up the Cheetos bag and stands up._

Joey: So… Doritos? Or Bugles?

Erin: No, neither! I don't want you snacking while I'm trying to tell you something that's actually important!

Joey: Hey! Erin. Cheetos…

Erin: Yes, yes, I'm sorry. I know, Cheetos are important.

Joey: Okay.

Erin: But I really need to tell you something.

Joey: And what's that?

Erin: I saw Brad today.

Joey: Brad, your ex-boyfriend Brad?

Erin (sarcastically): No, Brad Pitt. Yes, my ex-boyfriend Brad, what other Brad would it be that I would come home all messed up about it and-

Joey: Hey, calm down.

_Joey puts a hand on her shoulder._

Erin: Sorry… okay… He… told me that he's still in love with me.

Joey: Well, looks like it's too late for that guy and… oh. You're uh… you're thinking about it.

Erin: Yes. I'm thinking about it.

Joey: And, uh… what exactly are you thinking?

Erin: I don't know. I love you, so much, and I _do _want to marry you, but…

Joey: But. Why is there always a but? It's always 'but this' and 'but that' and but, but, but. This is about Brad's butt, isn't it?

Erin: What are you talking about?

Joey: I'm sorry. I just can't… I can't be in here while you're… you're actually _considering_-

Erin: Joey!

Joey: I can't, right now. I'm sorry.

_Exit Joey. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Chandler is sitting on the couch. Chandler has his laptop open in front of him. Enter Monica._

Monica: Hey, sweetie?

Chandler: Yeah?

Monica: Remember how a few weeks ago I thought I was pregnant?

Chandler: Yeah?

Monica: And remember how we found out that actually I wasn't?

Chandler: Yeah?

Monica: Well…

Chandler: Well?

Monica: You are _so _slow.

Chandler: You're pregnant?

Monica: Yes!

Chandler: This is- ooh.

Monica: What?

Chandler: I think I just accidentally said "yes" to a question asking if Rachel would hit on my date.

_Monica stares at him. Chandler shuts the laptop and stands up._

Chandler: But this is our thing right now! We're having a baby!

_Chandler hugs Monica. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Phoebe is sitting on the couch, holding a coffee cup. Enter Joey._

Joey: Hey, Phoebe, I really need to talk to you. Oh, do you want me to get you some more coffee?

Phoebe: No, I actually just got an empty one so people would think I have enough free time to sit around long after finishing a cup of coffee.

Joey: Okay.

_Joey sits in a chair at the end table._

Phoebe: So what did you want to tell me? Ooh, is this about that sandwich you thought was in your kitchen?

Joey: No. Were you one that took that?

Phoebe: No, I told you, it was the lunch fairies.

Joey: Right, well, anyway, this thing is… Erin is thinking about leaving me.

Phoebe: Oh my God, what did you do?

Joey: Does it always have to be my fault? Her ex-boyfriend showed up and told her he was still in love with her.

Phoebe: Oh no.

Joey: I'm in love with her!

Phoebe: Yeah, but she and the ex have history.

Joey: We have history! Remember the time I was supposed to pick her up from the airport and I forgot and she had to hitchhike home? That was a day we never forgot!

Phoebe: I was talking about _good _history. But you know what, I don't think you should give up.

Joey: Oh, definitely, that's not part of my plan.

Phoebe: And what is your plan?

_A pause. Joey looks confused._

Joey: Ooh! We buy a really big blimp-

Phoebe: Maybe you should let me help you with this.

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is standing by the counter. Enter Chandler._

Chandler: Rache, listen-

Rachel (angry): I'd hit on your date?

_A pause._

Chandler: Well, wouldn't you?

_Rachel leaps at him._

Chandler: No, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

Rachel: You do realize that any date of yours would be-

Chandler: Yes, yes, I know, the question insinuates that you're gay.

Rachel: What if Ross had seen that? You know that would make two of his three wives? Do you know how messed up he would be?

Chandler: Yeah, and I didn't mean to say yes! It was an accident!

Rachel: Really?

Chandler: Of course! Because my date would be a woman, you wouldn't hit on my date.

Rachel: No. I might _hit_ you.

Chandler: Listen, before you get mad, or… more mad, there's something I really need to tell you.

Rachel: Oh, really? What, that I'm ugly? That I would turn on you to get what I want? That if I was stranded on a desert island and could only bring one thing it would be a magazine?

Chandler: I've got to stop playing that game! No, what I wanted to tell you is… Monica's pregnant!

Rachel: She is?

_Rachel and Chandler hug._

Rachel: Oh my God, this is so great! Ross!

Chandler: No, no, no, she doesn't want Ross to know.

_Ross enters from the bedroom._

Ross: What?

Rachel: Um… Chandler would hit on your date!

_Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Phoebe is sitting on the couch. Enter Monica._

Monica: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey! Oh, you'll never guess what happened to Joey.

Monica: Well, I kind of have to tell you something-

Phoebe: Erin's ex-boyfriend is trying to get back together with her.

Monica: Oh my God!

_Monica sits on the couch._

Phoebe: I'm helping Joey keep her.

_Monica looks around._

Monica: Then why isn't he here?

Phoebe: I sent him out to buy her flowers.

Monica: Phoebe! This is _Joey_. If you don't go with him he's going to get distracted and walk into Radio Shack.

Phoebe: Radio Shack?

Monica: Okay, Toys R Us. But you know what I mean.

Phoebe: Yeah, I guess. Oh, what did you want to tell me?

Monica: I'm pregnant.

_Enter Ross._

Phoebe: That's great!

Ross: What's great?

Phoebe: Oh-

_Monica shakes her head slightly._

Phoebe: Peter.

Ross: Peter?

Phoebe: Yeah, you know, Peter the Great, the Czar of Russia.

Ross: Okay. Hey, I saw Joey outside, he said something about Erin leaving him?

Monica: Yeah, apparently her ex-boyfriend showed up and tried to get her back.

Ross: Oh no. See, I _told _Joey, you need to get married right away!

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is standing in the kitchen. Enter Joey. Joey is carrying a bouquet of flowers. _

Joey: Hey.

Ross: Hey. Nice flowers.

_Joey looks at the flowers._

Joey: Oh. Yeah.

Ross: I heard about Erin.

Joey: What about her?

Ross: How you were worried about her leaving you.

Joey: Right, right.

Ross: Are you okay?

Joey: Oh, the love of my life might just decide she'd rather be with somebody else and I'll be alone forever because this is pretty much the only serious relationship I'm ever going to get, but yeah, other than that I'm doing fine.

Ross: You've never been in a serious relationship before?

Joey: Not really! I bet this _Brad _guy has. He's pretty much everything I'm not.

Ross: Well, you know what I do when I'm in a serious relationship that I don't want to end?

Joey: Yeah, you get married.

Ross: No, I find some way to show her that she's really the most important part of my life.

Joey: Yeah, that sounds like a good idea… I could jump off the building!

Ross: _Or_…

_Enter Erin._

Erin: Oh… hi, Joey. I, um… I just came over here to borrow an egg from…

_Erin looks at Ross._

Erin: Russ.

Ross: It's Ross, I've known you for over a year.

Joey: Erin, look. I shouldn't have run out like that.

Erin: No, you shouldn't have.

Joey: I'm so sorry. Please don't go, Erin. I love you, and I want to marry you, and whatever you want, whenever, I will do anything for you. I just need you with me.

Erin: I want to marry you, too. Brad's gone.

_Erin and Joey kiss._

Ross: Aw…

_Erin and Joey glare at Ross._

Ross: This is my apartment!

_Credits appear on screen. _

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Phoebe and Chandler are sitting in the two chairs at the end table. Rachel is sitting on the couch. Enter Ross. Ross sits beside Rachel on the couch._

Ross: Erin's staying with Joey.

Rachel: Really?

Phoebe: Oh, this is the best! Everyone's back together, Monica and Chandler are having another kid-

Ross: Wait, wait, wait, Monica and Chandler are having another _what_?

_A pause. Phoebe exits._

**END OF SHOW**


	5. The One With The Halloween Candy

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Monica is sitting on the couch. Joey is sitting in one of the chairs at the end table._

Monica: So the wedding's back on?

Joey: Yeah.

Monica: Ooh, you should let me plan it!

Joey: Cool! Can I plan your baby?

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's living room. Monica and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. A bowl of candy is sitting on the coffee table. Monica is unwrapping a piece of candy._

Phoebe: You bought a lot of candy this year.

Monica: Oh, no, this is all I got.

Phoebe: And you're eating it instead of saving it for the kids?

Monica: Last year, Joey and Chandler ate all the candy. Now it's my turn.

Phoebe: What are you going to do if you run out?

Monica: When I have no candy left I break out the sugarless gum and Chandler has to clean up the eggs and toilet paper all by himself.

Phoebe: Hey, so how was Ross when he found out you were pregnant?

Monica: Oh, he's sort of doing that thing where he pretends he's okay but really isn't.

Phoebe: What do you mean?

Monica: Well, he gave me a pacifier-

Phoebe: Oh, that's good.

Monica: -that used to belong to Emma.

Phoebe: Ew.

Monica: Yeah, I also think his depth perception might be off a little… I don't know.

_Phoebe unwraps and begins eating a piece of candy. She immediately spits it out._

Phoebe: Ew! That tastes awful!

Monica: Really? I guess I mixed in the trick-or-treaters' candy with our candy.

Phoebe: You know, actually _all _of this candy has tasted horrible.

Monica: More for me!

Phoebe: Maybe I'm just sick. I've been throwing up all week.

Monica: Hope you feel better!

Phoebe: And my period's late.

Monica: Huh.

_A pause. Enter Chandler._

Chandler: Are you guys blind?

Monica: What? Have you been listening?

Chandler: For ten minutes! Monica, save some candy for me, and Phoebe, for the love of God, go take a pregnancy test!

Phoebe: Oh!

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is standing in the kitchen. Enter Ross from the bedroom. Ross is dressed as a robot._

Ross: Hey, why aren't you wearing the wig I bought?

Rachel: Oh, come on, Ross. We're grown-ups now, there's no point dressing up.

_Enter Joey with a sheet over his head. _

Joey: Hey, guys, ready to head over to Monica and Chandler's?

Rachel: Yeah, we're ready, Casper.

_Joey walks into the counter._

Ross: Did you not cut eyeholes in that?

Joey: This is my bed sheet. I don't want it full of holes.

Rachel: Joey, take that ridiculous thing off. We're not dressing up this year.

Joey: Then why is Ross wearing a monster costume?

Ross: It's a robot costume.

_Joey lifts the sheet over his head._

Joey: Stupid thick thread count! What do you mean, we're not dressing up this year?

_While Rachel is talking, Joey pulls a lollipop out of his pocket and puts it in his mouth._

Rachel: We are mature adults who… who have important businesses, and… important matters to- stop sucking while I'm talking!

Joey: It's Halloween, Rache. Next you're gonna be telling us that we can't dress up for Labor Day.

Ross: Nobody dresses up for Labor Day.

Joey: Wha- the Labor Day Lion? You guys don't see that costume everywhere?

Rachel: There's no Labor Day Lion, Joey.

Joey: Then whose lap was I sitting in all those years?

_Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's living room. Chandler is sitting on the couch. Jack and Erica are sitting on the coffee table._

Chandler: Alright, men. It's that time of year again. I need you at your cutest, and you need people to give you candy. Now, remember: it's delicious. But anything you pull in is mine. I've prepared a song for you to sing to obtain maximum cuteness. I'll sing it for you now. I'd write it down, but… we don't want evidence. Okay. _We think it would be so dandy, if you would give us lots of-_

_Enter Monica._

Chandler: Brandy.

Monica: Word of advice- if you're trying to cover up for something, alcohol? Always worse than whatever you're trying to hide.

_Monica begins to exit._

Monica: And dandy? What is this, 1824?

Chandler: You don't know they used the word "dandy" in 1824. You weren't there!

Monica: Just get into your costume.

Chandler: Whoa, whoa, we're wearing costumes this year?

Monica: You know you love it.

Chandler: Yeah I do!

_Exit Chandler. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's living room. Monica and Chandler are standing in the middle of the room. Chandler is wearing a vampire cape. Enter Rachel and Ross. Ross is pushing Emma in a stroller. Rachel is carrying a plastic bowl._

Rachel: Hi! Happy Halloween!

Monica: Hi. Did you bring candy for the trick-or-treaters?

_Rachel hands the bowl to Monica._

Rachel: Yeah, I didn't… eat all of it on the drive here…

_Enter Joey, still wearing his ghost costume._

Joey: Okay, guys, you know I can't see. A little help getting out of the car?

Ross: Joey, just take the sheet off!

Joey: It ruins the illusion.

Chandler: Wait a minute, hold the phone. That is not a real ghost?

Joey: Very funny, but it's not like your alien costume looks real.

_Chandler looks confused._

Rachel: He can't see a thing.

_Joey turns to a hat stand. _

Joey: So Monica, how's the baby?

_Enter Phoebe and Mike. Phoebe is carrying Joel. Mike is wearing a fake handlebar moustache. Phoebe is dressed as a pumpkin. Joel is dressed as a dinosaur. _

Monica (to Mike): Who are you supposed to be?

Joey: Mon, it's Mike! …I think.

_Joey lifts the sheet above his head._

Mike: I didn't want to dress up but Phoebe made me wear a moustache.

Phoebe: Made?

Mike: Let. Phoebe _let _me wear a moustache.

Ross: You can't just grow one?

_Chandler raises an eyebrow._

Ross: I know I can't, but he might be able to.

Phoebe: Hey, Mon. Can we talk?

Monica: Sure.

_A pause._

Phoebe: We don't have to wait for everyone else to leave, I was thinking we could just go out into the hall.

Monica: Oh. Oh! Yeah, okay.

_Phoebe and Monica begin to exit._

Mike: Wait, wait, wait, what are you guys going to talk about alone?

Monica: Not the possibility that Phoebe might be pregnant!

_Monica and Phoebe exit. Scene follows them to the hall. _

Monica: So, are you?

Phoebe: Am I what?

_Monica stares at her._

Phoebe: Oh! Yes!

Monica: Oh my God, we're gonna be baby buddies!

_Enter Rachel._

Rachel: Hey, what are you guys talking about?

Monica: Phoebe's pregnant!

_Enter Chandler and Ross. _

Rachel: Really?

Chandler: What, it came out positive?

Phoebe: Yeah!

Ross: Oh my God!

_Enter Joey._

Joey: Hey, hey, hey, what's going on?

Phoebe: I'm having another baby!

Joey: That's so great!

_Joey and Phoebe hug. A pause. _

Phoebe: Wait… did we leave Mike totally alone in there?

_Scene changes to the living room. Mike is standing in the middle of the room. Reenter Ross, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey._

Phoebe: Mike, I'm pregnant!

Mike: Oh my God!

_Mike kisses and hugs Phoebe._

Mike: It is mine, right?

Phoebe: Of course.

Mike: It just seemed like you were all leaving me out.

Monica: I can't believe we're both having babies!

_The doorbell rings._

Monica: Maybe that's the stork now!

_Chandler takes the bowl of candy and exits to the foyer._

Monica: Hey, Ross, if you're not home how are the trick-or-treaters getting candy from your place?

Rachel: Oh, we never put out candy.

Ross: Yeah, that's the good thing about living in an apartment: it's really hard to destroy a yard that doesn't exist.

_Reenter Chandler, holding the bowl. _

Chandler: Hey, those kids took a lot. The bowl is almost empty.

Monica (looking away): Wow, I wonder how that happened.

Rachel: Give me that, I know how to deal with these kids. You just get them talking and they'll forget why they came here.

Ross: Rache, these are seven year olds, not tax collectors.

_Exit Rachel to the foyer with the bowl. _

Joey: So, where's our candy?

Monica: At the store.

Joey: What's it doing there?

Monica: Waiting to be bought.

Joey: Then what are we standing around here for?

_Joey puts his ghost costume back on, turns around to leave, and walks into a wall. Joey turns around._

Joey: _That _hurt.

Chandler (sarcastically): That's weird, usually when I walk into walls it's very relaxing.

_Joey exits to the foyer. Scene follows him. Rachel is standing in the doorway, talking to a girl dressed up as a cowgirl._

Girl: Trick-or-treat!

Joey: Hi!

Girl: You're a really scary ghost.

Joey: Oh, I am?

_Joey looks behind his shoulder._

Joey: Did you hear that, Ross?

_Joey turns back to the girl._

Joey: Well, you are a very awesome pinecone.

_Girl looks confused._

Rachel: Happy Halloween, sweetie, here's some candy.

_Rachel drops a piece of candy into the girl's trick-or-treat bag._

Girl: Thank-you! You're a really pretty witch.

_Rachel glares ahead. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's kitchen. Monica is mixing something in a bowl on the counter. Rachel is pacing back and forth across the kitchen floor._

Rachel: I cannot believe this.

Monica (distracted): Neither can I.

Rachel: I mean, do I look old?

Monica (distracted): You're not any older than I am.

Rachel: And it's not like I just rolled out of bed, I did my hair and make-up. Am I really so old and ugly now that people can't tell that I'm not _trying _to look old and ugly?

_While Rachel is talking, Monica's spoon gets stuck in the food she is mixing in the bowl. She tugs on it futilely, glances around, then tosses the entire bowl in the trashcan. _

Monica: You're not old and ugly. That was a little kid, she probably thought Joey was a real ghost.

_A pause._

Monica: Actually, _Joey _probably thinks Joey is a real ghost.

Rachel: Seriously, do you think I should look into this? Get a face lift or something?

Monica: Oh, no. No. Take it from someone who's about to have her third kid, you're not old.

Rachel: And you're not about to have your third kid.

Monica: Well, if you wanna get _technical _about it…

_Credits appear on screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's doorway. Joey is standing in the threshold, still in his ghost costume. He is holding a bowl. Enter two boys dressed as pirates. _

Boy #1: Trick-or-treat!

Joey: Oh, Happy Halloween! Are you going to give me some candy?

Boy #2: No, you give _us _candy.

Joey: Oh, no, they changed it.

Boy #1: When?

Joey: An hour ago. So, you got any Airheads?

**END OF SHOW**

**A/N: Attempting NaNoWriMo this year, so while I will try to keep Friends updated, I can guarantee there will be at least one rerun in the coming month, and possibly two. **


	6. The One With All The Wishes

_Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross, Rachel, and Monica are sitting on the couch. Phoebe is sitting in the window seat. Chandler is sitting in an arm chair. Joey is standing behind the couch, talking on the phone._

Joey (on the phone): Well, what do you expect me to do about it?

Chandler: I expect you to be a good husband!

_Joey glares at Chandler and holds the phone closer to his ear. _

Joey (on phone): I'm sorry!

Chandler: "Sorry" won't feed little Jimmy!

_Joey pulls the phone away from his ear and covers the mouthpiece._

Joey: Dude, I'm trying to have a conversation!

_Joey puts the phone back against his ear._

Joey (on phone): I can't be everywhere at once!

Chandler: Neither can I, but at least I try to! If you cared about Jimmy at all, so would you!

Joey (on phone): Hey, I do care about Jim-

_Joey turns to Chandler, bumps his fists together, and exits, holding the phone. Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Phoebe are sitting at the table. Chandler is standing by the counter. Monica and Ross are sitting on the couch. Joey is standing by the refrigerator. _

Phoebe: Hey, do you guys realize that today is eleven eleven?

Joey: Oh, it is? I've been writing all my checks wrong.

_Chandler looks at him._

Joey: Okay, _you've _been writing all my checks wrong.

Monica: Phoebe, what's so great about eleven eleven?

Ross: Well, World War I ended in 1918, Germany completed their occupation of France in 1942, in 1988 the oldest known insect-

Phoebe: Hey, science guy, you know, just… shhh! No, at eleven o'clock and eleven minutes on November eleventh, you can make a wish and it will come true.

Rachel: Wouldn't your wish be even more likely to come true if you made it at eleven-eleven and eleven seconds?

Phoebe: Well, yeah, but you'd only have a second to make it. It would have to be a one-word wish.

Joey: Done.

Chandler: What wish can you make in one word?

Joey: Pie!

Ross: Phoebe, that's crazy. You can't just wish for something and expect it to come true.

Monica: Yeah, who does that?

_Flashback series. The first is from "The One Where Underdog Gets Away." Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, Monica, Chandler, and Joey are gathered around the table in Monica and Rachel's apartment, eating Thanksgiving dinner. Monica is splitting a sandwich with Joey._

Phoebe: Ooh, you guys have to make a wish.

Monica: Make a wish?

Phoebe: Come on, you know, Thanksgiving.

_They tear the sandwich._

Phoebe: Ooh, you got the bigger half. What'd you wish for?

Joey: The bigger half.

_The next is in "The One With The Lottery." Ross, Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are in Monica and Chandler's apartment. Phoebe and Joey are each holding one side of a wishbone._

Phoebe: I hope I win!

Monica: Well, it doesn't really matter... you're both wishing for the same thing, right?

Joey: I can't tell you what I'm wishing for! Else...you know...won't come true!

Monica: Right, but we "know" what you're wishing for!

Joey: Can't really say!

Monica: I understand, but you're wishing for what we think you're wishing for, aren't you?

Joey: I'm not really comfortable with these questions!

Rachel, Chandler and Monica: Please, just do it!

Phoebe: One, two, three!

_Phoebe and Joey break the wishbone._

Joey: I won, hey!

Ross: You know what, I'm sure your wish is gonna come true, but, you guys - just in case, maybe a genie will come out if we rub this lamp!

_Ross begins rubbing the table lamp._

Ross: Argh! That thing is hot!

_The next is from "The One Where They All Turn Thirty." Rachel and Tag are sitting on the step in the hallway between the two apartments._

Rachel: Oh God! You know what I wish? I wish you were six years older. Well actually, if I'm wishing for stuff, I actually wish I was six years younger.

Tag: Me too.

_Cut back to the present scene in Ross and Rachel's apartment._

Rachel: So what are you guys gonna wish for?

Ross: Nobody's wishing for anything because…

Monica: Because why?

Ross: Because it's… it's… stupid.

Chandler: And here's Ross with the cruelest insult of the week.

Rachel: Seriously, what are you wishing for?

Joey: Hey, you know wishing rules. We can't tell you.

Chandler: Right, you can't tell us and there's no way we'll guess that you want a bag of Cheese Puffs.

Joey: Oh, come on, I would never waste eleven eleven eleven…

_Joey counts on his fingers._

Joey: …eleven- on a bag of cheese puffs.

_A pause._

Joey: At least _two _bags.

Phoebe: Hey, Mon, what are you wishing for?

Monica: Oh, probably a healthy baby. I mean, that's all anyone's really wanted.

_Montage._

(From "The One With The Poking Device") Monica: I want you to take him back to your bedroom and do whatever it is that you do that makes him go "eeee!"

(From the Pilot) Chandler: And I just want a million dollars!

_Chandler extends his hand hopefully._

(From "The One Where Ross Got High") Joey: I wanna gooooo!

_**(From "The One With The Yeti") Rachel: I want**_ the little round waffles.

_**(From "The One With Phoebe's Wedding") Phoebe: I want**_ you to be Crazy Bitch again.

(From "The One Where Chandler Gets Caught") Joey: I want girls on bread!

(From "The One With The Stoned Guy") Ross: I want to take my tongue... and... and…

Joey: Say it. Say it!

Ross: ...run it all over your body until you're... trembling with... with...

_**(From "The One With Ross's Grant") Rachel: I want**_ Gladys!

(From "The One Hundredth") Joey: I want the drugs _**Ross, I want**_ the drugs!

(From "The One With The Ballroom Dancing") Chandler: _**I want**_ a flabby gut and saggy man breasts!

_Cut back to the present scene in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are sitting on the couch. Ross and Rachel are sharing an arm chair. Chandler is sitting at the kitchen table. _

Joey: You know what I wish? I wish I had my boat back.

Rachel: But Joey, you never sailed in that thing.

Joey: No, but I had a lot of fun sitting in it.

_Flashback to "The One With Phoebe's Cookies," Rachel and Joey are sitting in Joey's boat._

Rachel: Well Joey, I hate to admit it, your way of sailing is a lot more fun.

Joey: Yeah, yeah. Hey, why don't you give a pull on that rope?

Rachel: Oh, we're not sailing.

Joey: Just pull on it.

Rachel: All right

_Rachel pulls the rope and the cooler slides towards them._

Rachel: Hey-hey-hey!

_Rachel opens the cooler._

Rachel: Sandwiches!

Joey: What else?

_Cut back to present scene in Ross and Rachel's apartment._

Chandler: See, now how do you remember stuff like the boat you had six years ago, and yet you can't remember to close the freezer door?

Joey: Dude! You go in, you get some food, you start to eat the food and you get distracted! Anyway, I threw up in that boat.

Rachel: When?

Joey: Multiple times. And I always remember something I threw up in, or on, or through, or-

Monica: We get it.

_Flashback to "The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS," Joey is entering Monica and Rachel's apartment in a tuxedo._

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Oh no-no-no-no-no-no, vomit tux! No-no, vomit tux!

Joey: Don't worry, I had it dry-cleaned.

_Cut back to present scene in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Enter Ross from his bedroom, wearing a beret._

Ross: Hey, look, what I found!

Chandler: Ross, I think I speak for all of us when I say that none of us can be your friends until you take off that hat.

_Flashback to "The One With The Birthmother," Ross is standing in Central Perk wearing the same hat._

**Ross: **How does this look?

**Rachel:** Well, it's a little low... pick up a little...

_Ross lifts it a little._

Rachel: A little bit more... a little bit more...

_Ross takes the hat off._

Rachel: There you go! Now throw it away!

_Cut back to present scene in Ross and Rachel's apartment._

Joey: Yup, definitely remember that hat.

_Ross, disgusted, tosses the hat back in the bedroom. _

Chandler: Okay, I have decided what I'm going to wish for.

Phoebe: Really, what?

Chandler: Progress.

_A pause._

Monica (sarcastically): Seriously, be more specific.

Chandler: Not for me personally, but as a society. As a country, we need to go forward, we keep going backward. I mean, Hawaii 5O is back, the McRib is back-

Joey: The McRib is back?

Ross: Yeah.

_Exit Joey. Credits appear on the screen. _

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica are sitting on the couch. Rachel and Ross are sharing an arm chair. Joey is sitting at the table, eating a McRib._

Joey: Oh, I missed you guys.

Monica: You were only gone for twenty minutes.

Joey: I'm talking to the ribs!

Phoebe: Hey, it's eleven-twelve.

_A pause. All shrug._

**END OF SHOW**


	7. The One With Chandler's Suit

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Monica are sitting on the couch. Chandler and Joey are sitting in the two chairs at the end table. Phoebe is sitting in the arm chair._

Joey: I'm bored.

Phoebe: How bored?

Ross: What do you mean, "how bored"?

Phoebe: Well, there are different levels of boredom. I mean, are you "watch an infomercial" bored or "eat your own arm" bored?

_A pause._

Joey: I'm bored!

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's house. Ross is sitting at the table, reading the newspaper. Rachel is sifting through the refrigerator._

Rachel: Hey, honey, you think we should do leftovers for dinner tonight?

Ross: Leftovers of what? We never cook. Besides, it's Thanksgiving, remember?

Rachel: Oh. Well then I guess we'll have leftovers tomorrow.

Ross: Still no. Joey's going to be there.

Rachel: Right. Hey, how come I can't host Thanksgiving this year?

Ross: Well, it's noon on Thanksgiving Day and the only food in the kitchen is a box of Lucky Charms and some expired cheddar cheese in the refrigerator.

Rachel: I could make that work!

Ross: Really, because last week you couldn't figure out how to make macaroni and cheese from the box.

Rachel: Hey, those instructions are really small and I didn't want to strain my eyes reading them.

Ross: Yeah, you know what else hurts your eyes? Giant, burning-cheese scented fireballs.

Rachel: Hey, at least I called the fire department.

Ross: No you didn't, you ran flailing into Joey's apartment and almost burned down the whole building.

Rachel: There! Right there, the word "almost." There's something to be thankful for.

_Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's kitchen. Monica and Chandler are standing by the counter. _

Monica: I want ice cream.

Chandler: Oh, pregnancy craving?

Monica: No. Is that what it's called when you want ice cream?

Chandler: No, then it's called me, reasonably wishing for a delicious treat.

Monica: Just get me some ice cream.

Chandler: Okay.

_Chandler pulls a carton of ice cream out of the freezer and hands it to her with a spoon._

Chandler: Eat up.

Monica: Can I have a bowl?

Chandler: Yeah, about that. Joey and I kind of used those to build a tower of bowls in the backyard and… well, our architectural skills would astound you in their non-awesomeness. We may have broken all the bowls.

Monica: Why would you want to build a tower of bowls?

Chandler: Well, the bowls were only the first part. Imagine this: a city made entirely of dishes and utensils. There would be these houses made of butter dishes, and instead of actual boats, _gravy _boats, and the bank is inside a giant colander.

Monica: You know sometimes I wonder why I-

Chandler: Married me?

Monica: -haven't poisoned you yet. And how am I supposed to eat this ice cream?

Chandler: Just eat it out of the carton.

Monica: But that's only for when I'm sad.

_A pause._

Monica: Although, I am upset that all the bowls are smashed. I really liked those.

_A pause. Monica begins eating ice cream out of the carton. She opens the refrigerator and looks through it._

Monica: Alright, we're having everyone over for Thanksgiving dinner tonight, so I should start cooking. Now, I should have- wow, it's freezing in here- I think I need another potato for the mashed potatoes.

_Monica comes out of the refrigerator._

Monica: Can you go over to the neighbors' and ask them for a potato?

Chandler: Sure.

_Chandler begins to exit._

Monica: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're wearing that to go over there?

_Chandler looks down at what he is wearing: a plain T-shirt and sweatpants._

Chandler (sarcastically): No, I was actually planning on changing into Lady GaGa's meat dress. What's the big deal about going to get a potato in sweatpants and a T-shirt?

Monica: It gives the wrong impression. It says, "Hi, I'm a slob who spends my days sitting around the house doing nothing."

Chandler: Hello?

_Chandler gestures to himself._

Monica: Can you please just change before you walk over there?

Chandler: I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that begging for vegetables was a black tie occasion.

_Chandler exits._

Monica: Technically, it's a starch!

_Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Joey is sitting on the couch. Phoebe is sitting in the arm chair. Joey is holding his resume in front of him._

Joey: Pheebs?

Phoebe: What?

Joey: Do you think talking with your mouth closed counts as a language?

Phoebe: Not really.

_Joey crosses something out on his resume. Enter Monica. Monica sits on the couch. _

Monica: Hey, just wanted to make sure you guys knew Thanksgiving was at our place this year.

Joey (sarcastically): It's a good thing you told us, because this holiday dinner has been moving around every year.

Phoebe: Yeah, do you realize that we've never had Thanksgiving dinner somewhere other than at your house, Monica?

Monica: I guess I never thought of it that way. I'm sorry, did you want to host it this year?

Phoebe: No!

Monica: So Joey, are you bringing Erin?

Joey: Oh, yeah. You know, we are really clicking. I'm so glad we're getting married. I just want to hold her and talk to her and-

Monica: That's beautiful. Don't bring her.

Joey: What?

Monica: I just thought it would be fun if it was just the six of us this year. You know, like the old days.

Joey: But these are the new days, and I'm in a committed relationship.

_A pause._

Joey: I'm in a committed relationship. Hey, it stopped sounding weird!

Monica: Phoebe, what do you think? Can you ditch Mike?

Phoebe: Oh, he's spending Thanksgiving with his parents, and I knew that you would freak out if I didn't go to your dinner.

Monica: I won't freak out. If you want to spend Thanksgiving with Mike-

Phoebe: I don't want to. I mean, with him, it's fine. It's just that his parents are so judgmental and they hate me. I know they're going to make me eat some defenseless little turkey. So, I told Mike that you were making me stay.

Monica: Well-

_Enter Mike._

Phoebe: Why do I _have _to go to _your _Thanksgiving? Why are you so neurotic and controlling?

_Phoebe gets up and walks toward Mike._

Phoebe: Hey, sweetie. I'm sorry, I couldn't get out of it.

Mike: That's okay. I just came to say goodbye.

Phoebe: Oh, alright.

_Phoebe and Mike begin kissing._

Joey: Hey, I know the real reason you don't want Erin there.

Monica: What?

Joey: You hate seeing my fiancée and knowing that I am off the market.

Monica (deadpan): Wow, you figured it out. I can't believe that now we'll never be together. …Darn.

Joey: Sorry.

_Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Monica and Rachel are arranging the plates and napkins on the table._

Rachel: Hey, do you realize that since we've become sisters in law, we haven't done any in-law-y stuff?

Monica: What do you mean?

Rachel: Well, you know, you always see those movies where the in-laws are ripping each others' throats out. We haven't really done any of that.

Monica: You're upset that we're still friends?

Rachel: No, I just feel like it's a interesting part of marriage that I never had. I never had to fight with you or your parents or anything.

Monica: Hey, are you wearing my Thanksgiving broach?

Rachel: Um… maybe.

Monica: I was planning on wearing that! Did you steal it?

Rachel: See, this is all I was looking for. Okay, we can stop now.

_Enter Chandler, wearing a tuxedo._

Monica: Oh my God, what are you wearing?

Chandler: Well, it's a lot more sophisticated than anything GaGa ever wore.

Monica: Honey, I appreciate that you're trying to prove a point, except I really don't, it's just annoying, but please go change. You're going to get cranberry sauce all over your tux.

Chandler: No I won't. I'm a careful eater.

Monica: Fourth of July, blueberry cobbler.

Chandler: I'll go change.

_Enter Phoebe and Joey. _

Phoebe: Hey, guys. Hey, Chandler, nice suit. Wow.

Monica: That's my husband.

Phoebe: Why did Mike have to stop being a lawyer?

Joey: Hey, man, you suited up!

_Joey gasps._

Joey: That means tonight is going to be legen- wait for it-

Chandler: We're not doing this.

Joey: Why not?

Chandler: Because we're not Neil Patrick Harris!

_Joey looks in the mirror on the wall, admiring himself._

Joey: Speak for yourself.

Phoebe: You know he's gay, right?

Joey (defensively): Yeah.

_Joey, Phoebe, and Chandler sit at the table, along with Monica and Rachel. Enter Ross from the kitchen, carrying a turkey. Ross sets the turkey in the center of the table and looks around. Only five chairs were set out, and they are all full. _

Ross: I was gone for two minutes and you forgot about me?

Rachel: Oh, honey, sorry. I'll get you a cha-

Joey: Turkey!

_Rachel gets a chair for Ross and then all sit and begin eating. _

Phoebe: Oh, this stuffing is delicious! Mm… oh! Oh!

Monica: What?

Chandler: Did she find out that it's not vegetarian stuffing?

Phoebe: Oh my God… I think I need to go to the hospital.

Monica: I'll drive you.

_Monica and Phoebe exit. A pause._

Joey: I call both their mashed potatoes.

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross, Rachel, and Monica are standing in the kitchen. Joey is sitting on the couch. Enter Chandler._

Chandler: Well?

Rachel: She miscarried.

Chandler: Oh my God.

Joey: You know, it's weird, because with the whole fertility thing and all, you'd think Monica would be the one who would miscarry, but-

Ross: Dude, stop talking.

Chandler: Where is she?

Monica: Joey's place. She said she wanted to be alone.

Chandler: Maybe I should go talk to her.

Monica: Honey, no offense, but… no. I mean, if anyone's going to talk to her, it should be me, her best friend.

Rachel: Um, excuse me? It's funny, it sounded like you said you were Phoebe's best friend. I must have misheard you over the sound of me being Phoebe's best friend.

Monica: You are not her best friend! I've known her for fifteen years-

Rachel: During which you have argued with her, yelled at her, betrayed her-

_Chandler exits. Scene ends and opens in Joey and Erin's apartment. Phoebe is sitting on the couch, crying. She blows her nose, then looks around for somewhere to put the tissue. Shrugging, she wedges it between the couch cushions. Enter Chandler. Chandler sits beside Phoebe on the couch._

Chandler: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey.

_Chandler puts a comforting hand on her shoulder._

Chandler: How are you doing?

Phoebe: Bad. I thought it might make me feel better to change into the clothes I was wearing the night the baby was conceived-

_Chandler takes his hand off her shoulder, disgusted._

Phoebe: -but it didn't. I just felt like it was going to work. I didn't even think this might happen.

Chandler: I know.

_A pause._

Chandler: Okay. You win. I relinquish my title.

Phoebe: What?

Chandler: You know how I always say I'm the king of bad Thanksgivings? Now it's you. I give you my position.

Phoebe: Really?

Chandler: Yes. I give you permission to complain and bitch about Thanksgiving every year in my place.

Phoebe: Oh…

_Phoebe hugs Chandler._

Chandler: But you have responsibilities, too. Being the king- queen- of bad Thanksgivings means you have to make everybody sad, every year, on Thanksgiving Day.

Phoebe: I'll try.

_Credits appear on screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are standing in the kitchen. Monica is teaching Rachel how to cook. Rachel is holding a pan on the stove. _

Monica: Alright, now stir it.

Rachel: The stuff in the pan?

Monica (sarcastically): No, the witch's potion we're brewing in the other room.

_Rachel begins stirring in the pan, and then shrieks._

Monica: What? Did it flame up?

Rachel: No… just a habit.

**END OF SHOW**


	8. The One Where Phoebe Tells Mike

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Joey and Phoebe are sitting in the two chairs at the end table. Rachel and Monica are sitting on the couch. Chandler is sitting in the arm chair. _

Phoebe: I feel kind of empty now that I'm not pregnant.

Joey: You _are _kind of empty.

_Rachel slaps Joey. _

Joey: Ow! You know, those things get harder every day.

Monica: Phoebe, maybe you should get a cat or something.

Phoebe: Oh, that's kind of sad and lonely, isn't it? I mean, I'm married and I have a kid. I don't really need to become a lonely old cat lady.

Rachel: Hey, I owned a cat.

Monica: So did I.

Phoebe: Oh, right. Joey, does it really hurt that much? Because I think she's about to slap me too.

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Central Perk. Rachel and Monica are sitting on the couch. Chandler is sitting in the arm chair. Joey and Phoebe are sitting in the two chairs at the end table. Enter Ross wearing a turtleneck. Ross sits on the couch next to Rachel._

Rachel: Are you wearing a turtleneck?

Ross: Yup. I'm bringing it back.

Chandler: Back from where? They were never in.

_A pause._

Chandler: Not that I would know, because I don't steal Rachel's fashion magazines out of her purse when she comes over.

Monica: So, is this going to be like the time you tried to bring back the word "groovy"?

Ross: Uh, excuse me? _Tried_? Gunther! Can I get some _groovy _coffee over here?

Gunther: Sorry, we don't serve that.

Rachel: Honey, as much as I love you, if you don't change into something with a neckline below your chin, I'm going to punch you.

Ross: So you don't think that I know anything about what looks good?

Rachel: Well, I'm not sure how to say this in a nice way, but… Phoebe?

Phoebe: Oh, okay, um… she thinks you know less about fashion than Joey does about anything.

Joey: Hey!

Rachel: I asked you to do it in a nice way, and you insulted two people.

Phoebe: What? Oh, I'm sorry. I can't concentrate. I'm so tired.

Monica: Joel keeping you up?

Phoebe: Oh, no. I deleted all the Billy Joel songs on Mike's iPod, so that's not a problem anymore.

Chandler: I think she meant your son.

Phoebe: Oh that Joel! No, he's fine. He's sleeping through the night.

Ross: Really?

Phoebe: Well, when I say sleeping through the night, I really mean that Mike takes care of him and lets me sleep.

_Monica gives Chandler a pointed glance._

Chandler: I already do that!

Monica: Well, you could do it without jostling the bed.

Joey: So, Pheebs, why are you so tired?

Phoebe: Just general stress and worry… about general life and general worry-

Monica: You haven't told Mike that you miscarried.

Phoebe: Dammit Geller-Bing, how do you do that?

Monica: It's a gift. Chandler will never try to cheat on me.

Chandler: Well, why would I want to? You're the most beautiful woman in the- ooh, who's that?

_Chandler jokingly looks at someone else in the coffee house. Monica playfully slaps him. _

Rachel: Seriously, Phoebe, you haven't told him yet?

Phoebe: You know, I think in a way he already knows.

Monica: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Okay! I'm scared to tell him. He'll be crushed.

Monica: Then I'll come with you. I'll help you.

Phoebe: You would do that for me?

Monica: Of course.

Phoebe: Would you help me wash my dishes while you're over there?

Monica: Sure. Seriously, you don't want to wait to tell him for nine months and then not have a baby.

Joey: Well, by then this will be a funny story.

Rachel: What?

Joey: Yeah! It's like, a rule of how long you have to wait before you can laugh about something. Nine months. For example, Chandler, nine months ago you stole one of my mini muffins. A month ago, I was still mad. Today, funny story.

Phoebe: This isn't going to be a funny story.

Joey: That's what I thought when I was short a mini muffin, but now I'm happy and I have a full sized muffin.

_Joey takes a bite of his muffin and spits it back out._

Joey: That does not taste good.

Phoebe: I don't know what I'm going to do.

Joey (trying to get the bad taste out of his mouth): Me neither.

Phoebe: Ooh, I know! I'll just get pregnant again, and pretend I've been pregnant the whole time.

Monica: It's not going to be that easy. Fetuses don't just grow on trees.

Chandler: That would be weird!

_Ross looks at his watch._

Ross: Whoa, I gotta go. I have a class.

_Ross stands up._

Ross: You know, Rache, I may not know a lot about fashion, but you know _nothing _about my job.

Rachel: Of course I know about your job, I know so much I practically _am _a… a…

Ross: Paleontologist!

Rachel: I knew that!

Ross: You know, I bet could do your job a lot better than you could do mine.

Rachel: I bet the same thing. Only opposite. In my favor.

Chandler: Ooh, a bet. How much are we talking?

Ross: No money.

Rachel: Yeah, we're mature enough to know that betting money is stupid and immature.

Joey: What?

Rachel: I'm just kidding, how 'bout fifty bucks?

Phoebe: Wait, but you're married to each other. Isn't betting money kind of pointless? What about all that "what's mine is yours" stuff?

Rachel: Ha. If any of that were actually true, I would have gotten rid of "our" stupid dino crap a long time ago. But seriously, I would make a great paleontologist.

_Scene ends and opens in Phoebe and Mike's apartment. Enter Monica and Phoebe. _

Phoebe: You're sure this will go smoothly?

Monica: Yes! And remember, if it doesn't… you got clean dishes.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Monica: And don't worry, I'll be here the whole time.

_Monica's cell phone rings. She answers it. _

Monica (on the phone): Hello? What are you talking about? It's salad! You don't even have to cook it!

_A pause._

Monica (on the phone): No, I'm not shouting. The volume on your cell phone must be broken. Fine, I'll be right there.

_Monica ends the call and returns her cell phone to her purse. She walks into the kitchen and pulls out a bottle of wine and a wine glass. _

Monica: OR, we're going to get you really drunk, and you can just hallucinate and pretend that I'm here!

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is sitting on the couch. Enter Rachel._

Rachel: Well, my boss says you can't take my job for a day. Something about "upsetting the company's balance" and "lack of experience" and "me just trying to get out of doing my work" or whatever. What did your boss think?

Ross: I didn't ask him because I know that you would never be allowed to teach one of my classes.

Rachel: Why not?

Ross: Well, you don't have a degree. And these people paid to learn about dinosaurs.

Rachel: They're not paying attention anyway! They're probably stoned.

Ross: What?

Rachel: With learning. Stoned with learning. It's an expression. And it doesn't make sense that we aren't allowed to do each other's jobs just for a day. Elizabeth Hasselbeck and her husband did it!

Ross (sarcastically): That's a great idea! You go host a talk show for a few years, I'll go work on ESPN, and we'll meet back here at four!

Rachel: I _could _host a talk show.

Ross: Look, I've got fifty dollars riding on this, so how about we settle for you teaching Joey everything you can about paleontology, and I'll take Chandler shopping, and we'll see which of us comes further.

Rachel: Chandler? Shopping?

Ross: Joey? Learning?

Rachel: Oh, you're right, I do want to switch challenges.

_Scene ends and opens in a store. Ross is leafing through clothes on hangers on a rack. Chandler is standing beside him and looking as if he would rather be anywhere else. _

Ross: See? There's a lot of clothes here that you would look good in.

_Ross pulls a sweater out of the rack and holds it up to Chandler._

Ross: This sweater would look great on you!

Chandler: Yeah, how long before we cross the line into just gay?

Ross: Stop complaining. I really want to win the bet.

Chandler: Ooh, I know! I've got about a closet's worth of clothes at home that I've never worn that still have the tags on. Let's just show those to Rachel.

Ross: No. If I'm winning this bet, I'm winning it fairly.

_An employee at the store walks over to Ross and Chandler._

Employee: Sir, I just wanted to let you know that we also sell that with sequins.

_Exit Employee. A pause._

Chandler: There's an Orange Julius right next to this place.

Ross: Let's go. Let's go and never speak of this.

_Exit Ross and Chandler. Scene ends and opens in Phoebe and Mike's apartment. Phoebe is sitting on her couch, holding an empty wine glass. The bottle of wine on the coffee table is mostly empty. She has a banana sticker on her forehead. Enter Mike. _

Phoebe: I did not eat the last banana!

_Phoebe jumps over the couch and sways while walking towards Mike._

Mike: Are you okay?

Phoebe: Monica got me tell to drunk you- to tell you something. To drunk to tell you… something.

Mike: I hope it's not a tongue twister.

_Phoebe falls into his arms. Mike catches her. _

Mike: You should go to bed.

Phoebe: I don't have a baby anymore.

Mike: What?

Phoebe: I'm sorry, Mike. It's gone. I miscarried.

_Phoebe begins to cry._

Mike: Hey. It's alright. It's alright. I love you, you know that?

_Phoebe nods._

Phoebe: I'm really, really drunk right now. Are you actually here or is this a dream?

Mike: I'm here, I'm here.

_Mike kisses Phoebe. Scene ends and opens in Joey and Erin's apartment. Joey is sitting on the couch, looking through a calendar._

Joey: Well, the end of the world keeps getting closer and closer.

_Joey flips a page on the calendar._

Joey: Hey, Hanukah started today!

_Enter Rachel. _

Rachel: Hey, Joe. I'm supposed to teach you about dinosaurs.

Joey: Cool!

Rachel: So what do you know about dinosaurs?

Joey: They're big. And T. Rexes have really tiny arms, which is kind of creepy. And they sound like this:

_Joey makes a roaring noise. _

Rachel: Well, there's more to dinosaurs than being big and tiny armed and going "Rawr." …Apparently.

Joey: You know, I keep asking Ross about all this but he just starts off with those weird cockroach ancestors.

Rachel: Trilobites!

Joey: What?

Rachel: That's what they're called. Trilobites.

Joey: Okay.

Rachel: Hey, I _can _teach you! I thought I was going to lose fifty bucks, but I actually do know some of this stuff. Okay, let's keep going. So, there are a lot of different types of dinosaurs.

_A pause._

Rachel: You want to just watch Jurassic Park?

Joey: Yes!

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting on the couch. Enter Ross. Ross is carrying a Styrofoam cup from Orange Julius._

Ross: This smoothie is worth fifty dollars and I'm giving it to you, so… here.

_Ross hands the cup to Rachel._

Rachel: Oh, did I win the bet?

Ross: Technically. But our shopping trip wasn't actually unsuccessful because Chandler ended up trying on a pair of khakis and they fit well but they were too expensive. So I did find something that looked good on him, and I still kind of win.

Rachel: Whatever. I just dragged you off for a boring day of shopping and I didn't even have to be there.

Ross: So, I guess you taught Joey a lot?

Rachel: Hm? Oh yeah, tons of stuff.

Ross: Really?

Rachel: Totally.

_Exit Ross. Rachel sips at the Orange Julius smoothie. Reenter Ross._

Ross: All you did was watch Jaws?

Rachel: Well, we were going to watch Jurassic Park but the disk was scratched! Which, really, is kind of appropriate because of the little dinosaurs on the cover.

Ross: Velociraptors?

Rachel: See, there is a reason that you're a paleontologist and that I am in fashion. And I think that, because I realized that, I should get the fifty dollars.

_Credits appear on screen. _

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Ross are sitting on the couch. Enter Joey._

Joey: Hey… can one of you walk me to the bathroom?

Rachel: What?

Joey: There are sharks in there! I swear! They're going to attack me!

**END OF SHOW**


	9. The One With Monica's Ultrasound

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Ross are sitting on the couch. Joey is sitting in the arm chair. Enter Phoebe and Rachel._

Rachel: Hey, Joey, you want to come to a movie with us?

Joey: Uh… I guess? Why aren't they going?

_Joey points to the couch. _

Monica: Well, it's just that we've begun to realize that a lot of the movies you guys like watching are a little more… slapstick, and kind of immature.

Chandler: Yes, whereas we like more sophisticated stuff.

Rachel: Chandler, last week I saw you watching Scary Movie.

Chandler: Hey, that is a serious, psychological thriller.

Joey: Yeah, because it's crazy people that are somehow allowed to make movies. It _is _scary.

Rachel: So, Joey, are you coming?

Joey: Actually, I think I'd rather hang back. We _are _all growing up.

_Phoebe imitates what Joey just said in a mocking voice. _

Rachel: Alright, we lost Joey. Let's go.

_Phoebe and Rachel exit._

Monica: Guys, guess what? The other day, I tried to say "forks and knives" and it came out "norks and fives"!

Joey: I'm out.

_Exit Joey. Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in_ _Joey and Erin's apartment. Joey and Ross are standing at the counter. Joey is eating a baked potato and Ross is eating a sandwich._

Joey: Man, this potato is delicious. If I could live on only potatoes, I would… I would… you eating a sandwich?

Ross: Hey, did you know that they grow potatoes in manure?

Joey: Of course I knew that. What's manure?

Ross: It's cow waste.

Joey: Ew!

_Joey pushes the baked potato away from him._

Joey: Dude! What was that for?

Ross: What?

Joey: I just said I liked potatoes, and then you have to and ruin it for me with your stupid knowledge and cow crap!

Ross: Sorry, I just thought you'd want to know.

Joey: Oh yeah, then what are you eating?

Ross: Ham.

Joey: Well- what animal does that come from?

_Scene ends and opens in a gynecologist's office. Monica is sitting in an exam chair and Chandler is standing beside her, waiting for the doctor. _

Chandler: Are you excited?

Monica: It's either that or morning sickness.

Chandler: We're going to find out what kind of baby we're having. Girl or boy. Amy or Hemingway.

Monica: No. Not even when you're kidding.

Chandler: Fine.

Monica: I think that was the first time I've heard you say "Fine" without huffing and walking out of the room.

Chandler: I don't care, I'm happy. I mean, aren't you just so happy right now? Are you psyched? Are you pumped?

Monica (sarcastically): So, we're in agreement that we're going to wait until the baby is born to find out the sex?

_Enter doctor._

Doctor: Hello, how are we feeling today?

Monica: Temporary and extreme euphoria.

Doctor: Really?

Monica: From him.

_Chandler starts bouncing up and down._

Doctor: Sir, I need to ask you to be calm in here. There's a lot of expensive equipment.

Chandler: I'm sorry, I'll be okay. I'll be calm.

_Doctor begins setting up some of the equipment._

Chandler: Is it gonna be a boy? It's gonna be a boy. I can feel it. It's a boy. I bet it's gonna be a boy. It's a boy, isn't it? Is it a boy?

Monica: Get out.

_Scene ends and opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Rachel is holding Emma. _

Rachel: Remember when she was really little?

Phoebe: She's still really little. She's tiny. She's like a tiny little doll. She's only about the size of a loaf of bread. I'm bored with this now.

Rachel: Oh! Have you seen her new hat?

Phoebe: She got a new hat?

Rachel: It's adorable!

_Rachel passes Emma to Phoebe and walks towards her room to look for the hat._

Rachel (from her room): It matches her little bumblebee outfit perfectly and it covers up that ugly, splotchy little birthmark on her ear.

Phoebe: Rachel, birthmarks are never ugly, and they're an important part of a person's identity.

_Phoebe looks at Emma's ear._

Phoebe: But ew! What's up with that thing?

_Reenter Rachel._

Rachel: Have you seen her new hat?

Phoebe: No, that's why you were going to go get it.

Rachel: No, I mean have you _seen _her new hat? Anywhere? I can't find it.

Phoebe: Oh, I'm sure it will turn up somewhere. Like a groundhog.

Rachel: I spent a lot of money on that hat, Ross is going to kill me! I don't have time to be figuring out how a hat is like a groundhog- oh! Oh, I get it now.

Phoebe: See?

Rachel: Yeah, 'cause with the- alright, I have to find this thing.

Phoebe: You spent a lot of money on a baby's hat?

Rachel: Well, technically I don't think it's really a baby's hat, it's just a fun hat for people with proportional dwarfism. That probably provides them with like an extra two inches or something.

Phoebe: Where did you get it?

Rachel: I don't know, at some store.

Phoebe: That place has everything!

_Scene ends and opens in the gynecologist's office. Monica is sitting in the chair and Chandler is standing behind her. The doctor is pulling up an image of the womb on a screen._

Doctor: Oh my God.

Monica: "Oh my God" good, or "Oh my God" bad? Of course it's bad. We can't have children. I probably miscarried. We're never going to have kids and this was all a waste of time.

Chandler: Oh my God, calm down!

_Chandler looks at the doctor, but then realizes something and looks back at Monica._

Chandler: And did you forget about Jack and Erica?

Monica: Jack and Erica… we left them home alone!

Chandler: No, we didn't, we got a sitter.

Monica: Oh yeah.

Doctor: So…

Monica: What, what is it? Can you tell if it's a boy or a girl?

Doctor: Well, have you discussed the possibility of multiple births?

Chandler: Yeah. One night I said, "Hey, what if it's triplets?" and she said, "Ha, that'll never happen," and that was our discussion.

Monica: Boy or girl? I have to know; this baby could end up having Hemingway as a name!

Doctor: It's both.

Monica: What?

Chandler: WHAT?

Doctor: You're pregnant with twins.

Monica: But… th- that's… that's, like… t-t…

_Monica holds up three shaky fingers. Chandler lowers one for her. _

Monica: Oh my God, we're going to have twins.

Doctor: Do you have a family history of twins?

Monica: Well, we had twins before.

Chandler: They were adopted.

Monica: Does that not count?

Doctor: I'm just going to check on a few things. Do you two want a moment alone?

Chandler: Sure.

_Doctor exits._

Chandler: You… you have two tiny people growing inside you! That's like twice the amount of tiny people I thought you had!

Monica: We're going to have four kids! That's like half the van Tropp family!

Chandler: von Trapp.

Monica: Do I look like I care? And you watched the Sound of Music?

Chandler: Right, because that's the point right now.

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. The apartment is a mess. Phoebe is sitting on the couch with Emma. Rachel is standing in the middle of the room._

Rachel: I can't believe I can't find this hat!

Phoebe: Maybe it's because you're not looking, you're just pulling random things out of closets and throwing them places.

Rachel: Sometimes that works.

Phoebe: Ooh! Maybe, you know, there never _was _a hat, it was just something you saw in a dream. Yeah, like one time, I dreamt that I was a pop singer in London, but then I woke up and I wasn't, and there was a really tall homeless person in my apartment.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Well, that's a different story.

Rachel: Okay. But, see, I don't dream about clothes. I dream about people, and work-

Phoebe: And where do you work again? A place that produces _clothes_?

Rachel: -and books I've read-

_Phoebe raises her eyebrows._

Rachel: Okay, magazines. And I dream about hanging out with you guys- like I don't do enough of that when I'm awake- and fish, and Johnny Depp.

Phoebe: And Ross?

Rachel: Yeah. Sure. Whatever.

Phoebe: So we're sure that this is a real hat?

Rachel (sarcastically): No, it's a ghost hat.

_Phoebe points at Rachel._

Phoebe: _Never _joke about ghost hats.

_Scene ends and opens in Joey and Erin's apartment. Joey and Ross are watching TV._

Joey: Hey… what if the people on TV think that they're watching us? That we're the TV show?

Ross: Then I feel sorry for them, forced to watch nothing but lazy people who have nothing better to do than sit around and watch TV.

Joey: Are you insulting Stevie the TV?

Ross: You still name your stuff?

Joey: Yeah, but don't tell Erin. She kind of had an issue with Terry the Terrycloth Towel.

Ross: Anyway, yeah. TV is useless and brain-rotting, and boring.

_A pause. Ross continues to watch the television. Enter Monica and Chandler. _

Monica: Hey, guys.

Joey: Hey! So, did you find out?

Chandler: Find out what?

_Monica elbows Chandler. _

Monica: Yeah, we found out.

Joey: She's smiling! That means that the baby is a… either a boy or a girl, whichever one she wanted.

Chandler: It's twins.

Ross: It's twins?

Chandler: Why would that be a joke? What could I possibly have to gain from saying that they're twins?

Joey: Wait… what? Monica's having twins, right?

Monica: Yes. A boy and a girl.

Joey: Oh! Joey and Josephine. They're perfect, adorable twin names?

Chandler: While those are great names, we probably want to try branching out a little from that.

Joey: Oh, I get it. _Joseph _and Josephin_a_.

Monica: Where are Rachel and Phoebe?

Ross: In our apartment, I think.

_Monica and Chandler exit to Ross and Rachel's apartment. Scene follows them. The apartment is still a mess and Phoebe and Rachel are standing behind the couch._

Monica: Hey, g- oh my God, what happened here?

Rachel: I can't find Emma's hat!

Monica: But why did you have to take it out on the poor apartment? This place is a mess!

Chandler: Monica.

Monica: Okay, I'm going to die if I don't clean this place, but first I have to tell you two something.

Phoebe: Oh, did you find out if the baby is a boy or a girl? Joey or Josephine?

Chandler: It's twins.

Rachel: Oh my God!

_Rachel and Monica hug. _

Rachel: Oh, I'm still kind of mad at you for getting pregnant at my wedding, but still, so happy for you!

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment, the next morning. Joey is cooking on the stove. Enter Ross from his bedroom._

Ross: Hey. What are you doing here?

Joey: A man can't walk across the hall to cook breakfast for his best friend?

Ross: I don't know, it's just really unlike- seriously? I'm your best friend?

_Ross sits at the kitchen table. _

Joey: Yeah, I felt bad at getting all mad at you yesterday for the whole potato manure thing, and this is my way of making it up to you.

Ross: Thanks, Joey.

_Joey sets a plate of sausages in front of Ross._

Joey: There you go.

_Ross begins eating._

Joey: You know, this reminds me, I was watching Fear Factor the other day…

_Ross stops eating, staring forward._

Joey: You will not _believe _what they had to eat on that show.

_Ross spits the sausage out and walks away._

Ross: Joey!

_Enter Rachel from the bedroom._

Rachel: What's going on?

Ross: Remind me not to eat sausage for the next… ever.

_Credits appear on screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Phoebe is sitting on the couch. Enter Rachel, holding a hat._

Rachel: Ha! I found it! I finally found it!

_People sitting near the window stare at her._

Rachel: Carry on.

_Rachel sits on the couch next to Phoebe and shows her the hat._

Rachel: Look! I found it!

Phoebe: So I heard. Hey, wait a minute, this is Joel's!

Rachel: I'm gonna need a finder's fee.

**END OF SHOW**

**A/N: Next week's a rerun (though I'm not actually posting "reruns" anymore, because it just messes up the word count and nobody actually reads them). Oh, and this is uber important to me, so it'd be awesome if you all "liked" this page on Facebook for the DVD Release of Unnatural History, my favorite TV show next to Friends. **

**http: / / www. facebook. com / pages / DVD-Release-of-Unnatural-History-Season-One /183490668333917 # ! / pages / DVD-Release-of-Unnatural-History-Season-One / 183490668333917**

**(without spaces)**


	10. The One Where Rachel Decorates Her Tree

**A/N: I meant to post this last Thursday, but it wasn't finished. It's set the 24****th****, Christmas Eve.**

_Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ben and Emma are sitting at the table, eating breakfast. Ross and Rachel are standing by the counter._

Rachel: Hey, I was thinking we should tell Emma about Santa Claus this year.

Ross: I don't really want to do the whole Santa thing with her. We should just tell her the truth.

Rachel: Oh my God, she's gonna be that kid.

Ross: What kid?

Rachel: That bratty kid that everyone hates who tells everyone in first grade that Santa's not real.

Ben: Santa's not real?

Rachel: Aren't you twelve?

Ross: Yeah, I know, we waited too long to tell him. That's why I don't want to start it with Emma.

_Ross points to Ben._

Ross: Because I _really _don't want her to be that kid.

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Joey and Erin's apartment. Joey and Erin are sitting at the table and eating breakfast. _

Erin: We should have sex.

_Joey sweeps his arm across the table and clears it, making everything crash to the floor._

Erin: I didn't mean right now.

Joey: I know. Muscle spasm.

Erin: It's just that, while I'm on my new show and you're spending every day working on Days of Our Lives- up top for successful acting-

_Erin and Joey high five._

Erin: -we don't really get a lot of chances to talk, and… I love that. I just felt like we should, you know, get a night to ourselves.

Joey: Sounds great.

_Joey looks at the floor._

Joey: I think I kind of ruined our breakfast.

Erin: It's okay. I'll make more.

Joey: You are the perfect woman.

_Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch. Rachel is sitting in one of the chairs at the end table. Ross is sitting in the arm chair. Enter Joey._

Joey: Clear me off your calendars tonight, I'm not free, I've got a date with Erin.

Chandler: Do you think we schedule several raging parties every night or something?

_Joey sits on the couch._

Rachel: So what are you guys doing? Dinner? A movie? You taking her dancing?

Joey: Nope!

Monica: You're _just _going to sleep together?

Joey: Mon. Please. We're not sleeping.

Rachel: Wow.

Joey: I know what you're thinking. You wish you'd gotten with this while we were still dating.

Rachel: That's exactly what I'm thinking.

Ross: Hey, Chandler, what _are _you guys doing tonight?

Chandler: Well, Monica and I have a double date.

Ross: We have plans. Rache, you told them we have plans right?

Monica: Relax, it with a woman I know from work and her husband.

Chandler: Yeah, what were their names again?

Monica: …well one of them's Alex, I know that much.

Rachel: Mon, you see this woman every day and you don't know what her name is?

Monica: Okay, name three of your coworkers.

_A pause._

Rachel: Well, there's the woman who talks too loud on her cell phone… and then there's that one guy I always say hi to in the elevator. And always-brings-sandwiches guy-

Joey: Introduce me!

_Scene ends and opens in a restaurant. Monica and Chandler are having dinner with another couple._

Monica: No way! You heard about that recipe, too?

Alex (the woman who works with Monica): Yeah, I found it and I was like, "This is perfect!"

Monica: I know.

Kevin (Alex's husband): I actually add a little bit of orange pepper when I make it. Something I learned at culinary school.

Monica: I should try that out.

Alex: Yeah, it gives the pasta a little extra flavor, and it comes out really good.

Chandler: Hey, guess what? I'm _eating _food… right now! Nothing?

Monica (to Chandler): Honey, is something wrong?

Chandler: Well, you all know a lot about cooking, and I feel kind of out of place.

Monica: Oh, you're right. I'm sorry. You want me to talk a little more about what you do?

Chandler: Yes, please.

Monica: Okay.

_Monica turns back to face Alex and Kevin._

Monica: So, I saw this really great commercial the other day.

_Chandler smiles._

Alex: Really?

Monica: Yeah, it was for this new Betty Crocker cookbook that has the recipe for this delicious lemon cake-

Chandler: You're still talking about food!

_Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Joey is sitting on the couch. Enter Erin. _

Erin: Hey, sweetie.

_Erin sits on the couch next to Joey. _

Joey: Hi, Erin. Does it ever bother you that I don't have a cute nickname for you?

Erin: Not even a little bit. So, are you all ready for tonight?

Joey: Yeah.

_Joey and Erin kiss._

Joey: On a scale of one to ten, how public would you say this place is?

Erin: Hm… what's one and what's ten?

Joey: One is- look, you know what, it doesn't matter exactly how public this place is. But you should probably leave now or else we might find out.

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is decorating a Christmas tree set up by the window. Enter Phoebe._

Rachel: Hey, Pheebs, can you come help me with this?

Phoebe: That's not the way you're supposed to greet me.

Rachel: Sorry. Can you _please _come help me with this?

Phoebe: That's not it.

Rachel: And I like your new shoes.

Phoebe: Thank-you!

_Phoebe walks to where Rachel is and begins helping with the tree._

Phoebe: So you're decorating all by yourself this year?

Rachel: Well, not totally by myself. Joey and Chandler are helping by staying out of the way.

Phoebe: Mike and I just finished decorating our tree. And then, we put Joel on the top branch and Mike was like, "Don't do that, he'll fall!" and I said, "Don't worry, he'll be fine," and then he started swaying and Mike caught him just in… oh, wait, that was one of those stories that I'm not supposed to tell other people.

Rachel: Don't worry, I wasn't listening.

_Rachel holds up an ornament. _

Rachel: Should this go near the bottom or the top?

_Scene ends and opens in the hallway outside of Joey's apartment. Joey is standing in the hallway, walking towards his apartment._

Joey (thinking): Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose, yuletide carols being… something… mistletoe… something…

_A pause._

Joey (thinking): Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!

_Joey opens the door to Ross and Rachel's apartment and walks in. Scene follows him to the apartment. Phoebe is sitting at the table, drinking a glass of eggnog._

Joey: Hey, Pheebs. Where's Rachel?

Phoebe: Oh, she went out to get more lights.

Joey: Are you okay?

_Joey sits at the table. Phoebe hiccups._

Phoebe: I'm fine.

_Joey looks at the eggnog._

Joey: Is there alcohol in that?

Phoebe: In what?

Joey: Okay.

_Joey takes the eggnog away from Phoebe._

Joey: What's wrong?

Phoebe: Everything! I hate the holidays. It's when my mom killed herself, and there are all those songs on the radio about the shoes and people dying, and now it's when I lost my baby.

Joey: That's still bothering you, huh?

Phoebe: Of course it's bothering me! I want a lot of kids, and now I feel like I'll never have as many as I want.

Joey: Of course you will! That was one miscarriage. Now, I have faith that you can go meet Mike and do it until you're pregnant again.

Phoebe: Your pep talks aren't exactly poetic, but thanks. Hey, wasn't this your big night with Erin?

Joey: She can wait. I love her, she's my fiancée, but I also love you, Pheebs. You're like my sister. My best friend.

Phoebe: Okay, you're getting too mushy. Go. Merry Christmas!

Joey: Alright.

_Scene ends and opens in the restaurant where Monica and Chandler are having dinner with Alex and Kevin. _

Alex: …and then he flew a plane across the sky and had "Alexis, will you marry me?" sketched out in sky writing. I was beautiful.

Kevin: Chandler, how did you propose?

Chandler: Oh, I let her ex-boyfriend tell her that he loved her, then I told her that I never wanted to get married, and then later that night she tried to propose to me and cried.

_Awkward pause._

Monica: But when the kids ask, we're going to tell them a ring-in-the-cupcake story.

Chandler: How did you two meet?

Alex: We were best friends and neighbors as kids, but then we both went away to college and lost touch until we reconnected a few years ago in a bookstore. We were actually fighting over the same copy of a book we used to love as children when we realized that we knew each other.

Chandler: That's _Serendipity_! Isn't that the plot of _Serendipity_?

Monica: So you changed your mind about "let's never tell anyone I watched this movie"?

Alex: How did you two meet?

Chandler: We were, um… we've actually been together in several past lives, and in each life our souls have found each other.

Kevin: What?

Monica: He means we got drunk and slept together at my brother's wedding.

Alex: Oh…

Monica (to Chandler): What's wrong with you?

Chandler: Are you asking for the whole list, or…?

Monica: Why are you playing, like, "Who's the Better Couple?"

Chandler: I'm not! …It's who's the _best _couple that matters.

Monica: Are you really not able to handle a double date?

Chandler: I'm really not!

Monica: Just try being normal and telling the truth.

Chandler: Okay.

Kevin: Is something wrong?

Monica: What?

Kevin: It just seems like you and Chandler keep breaking off into your own conversations.

Monica: Well… Chandler?

Chandler: Yeah… well, the thing is… I'm dying of a rare exotic disease.

_Credits appear on screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Joey and Erin's apartment. Erin is standing in the kitchen. Enter Joey._

Erin: Hey, what took you so long?

Joey: I had to comfort Phoebe.

Erin: Oh, is she okay?

Joey: Yeah, she's fine. You know what, enough about everyone else. This is our time.

_Joey kisses Erin._

Joey: Wait, what if Santa walks in on us?

Erin: Well, we'll just have to deal with that crisis when it happens!

**END OF SHOW**


	11. The One With Joey's iPod

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Ross and Joey are sitting on the couch. Chandler is sitting in the arm chair. Ross is helping Joey set up his new iPod. Joey is tapping the screen impatiently. _

Joey: Hey, nothing's happening.

_Ross leans over to see what's wrong._

Ross: Flip it over. You're tapping the back.

_Joey turns it around the right way, looking a little sheepish, and Ross begins to read out the instructions._

Ross: Now, you can only install it to five different computers, and after that you can't uninstall, so you have to be careful about hooking it up to your main computers. You can't just go around sticking it into every one you see.

Chandler: It's also good advice for life.

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Central Park. Monica and Chandler are taking a walk._

Chandler: Gah! That's, like, the _third _pile of dog crap I've stepped in today.

Monica: Then maybe you should watch the ground where you're walking instead of bopping your head to whatever ABBA song you're humming.

_A pause while Chandler thinks._

Chandler: Nah.

Monica: You have to hose off your own shoes, it's not fair taunting me with them until I feel like I need to clean them.

Chandler: Fine. But I'll probably just watch some TV first. Lean back, maybe prop 'em up on the couch…

Monica: I'll wash them when we get home!

Chandler: You know what? This is the last time. I'm going to go talk to whoever keeps not cleaning up after their dog.

Monica: How will you know who it is?

Chandler: I'll identify what kind of dog it is, like with scat, and then I'll check who brings that kind of dog to here on the days that we've been here, and then I'll interrogate them until they admit it and decide to start cleaning up after their dog.

_Chandler looks around and spots a woman nearby walking her dog._

Chandler: Or I'll just go talk to whoever's nearest. Excuse me, miss?

_Chandler runs up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder. She turns around._

Janice (the woman): Oh. My. GOD!

Chandler: Never mind. Goodbye, total stranger.

_Scene ends and opens in Phoebe and Mike's apartment. Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch, watching TV._

Phoebe: Why are we watching an infomercial?

Rachel: We're waiting for my show to come on.

Phoebe: No, _you're _waiting for your show to come on. _I'm _watching a guy make stains magically disappear. Seriously, who would enjoy watching this?

Phoebe and Rachel: Monica.

_Rachel's cell phone beeps. She pulls it out of her purse and checks it. _

Rachel: Oh. I have to go, Emma threw up and they sent her home from school.

Phoebe: She can text?

Rachel: No, Ross texted me.

Phoebe: That makes sense.

Rachel: Yeah, I'm teaching her to use a credit card before I teach her how to use a cell phone.

_Exit Rachel. Phoebe picks up her remote and points it at the TV._

Phoebe: Record.

_There's a knock on the door. Phoebe walks to the door and opens it._

Phoebe: Rachel?

_A woman is standing on the other side of the door. _

Woman: Nope. It's me, Sarah.

Phoebe: Mike's ex-wife?

Sarah: Yep. You're married to him now, right? And he's working right now.

Phoebe: Are you stalking him or something?

Sarah: Yep.

_Scene ends and opens in Joey and Erin's apartment. Joey is walking around the apartment, earphones in his ears, moving a little as if he's bopping to music. Joey reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bare headphone jack._

Joey: This isn't plugged into anything.

_Joey exits the apartment and walks across the hall to Ross and Rachel's apartment. Scene follows him. Joey knocks on the door and Ross answers._

Joey: Hey, have you seen my mp3 player?

Ross: It's an Apple product, so it's an iPod.

_Joey makes a face like he's exhausted with Ross constantly correcting everyone._

Joey: Okay. Have you seen it?

Ross: Not since I left it with you. Did you lose it already?

Joey: …No. I… was just wondering if you'd seen the new skin I put on it.

Ross: I didn't.

Joey: Okay, bye then.

Ross: Alright.

_Ross closes the door and Joey turns to see Rachel walk into the hallway._

Joey: I lost the iPod that Ross gave me!

Rachel: Already? He was really excited about giving it to somebody and watching them enjoy it. That's why he didn't get one for me!

Joey: I know! Can you just help me look?

Rachel: Okay.

Joey: If you were an iPod, where would you be?

Rachel: In the returns department of Target… getting store credit for Rachel.

_Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Monica and Chandler are talking to Janice._

Janice: It's so funny that we keep running into each other!

Chandler: Yeah. Someone up there must really, really, really hate me.

Monica: Janice, I didn't know you had a dog.

Chandler (to Monica): What are you doing? We need to get away!

Janice: Well, after the second divorce, I got kind of lonely. And the kids love Strawberry.

Chandler: Hahaha like the fruit love those things they're delicious, can we leave now please?

Monica: I thought you were living in Hawaii?

Janice: Well, I was, for a little bit, but something about this city just pulled me back.

Chandler: Must've been my bad karma.

_Janice's dog yips and Janice laughs._

Chandler (to Monica): Is it weird that I can't decide which is more annoying?

_Scene ends and opens in Phoebe and Mike's apartment. Sarah and Phoebe are standing in the kitchen._

Sarah: So you and Mike are married now, huh?

Phoebe: Yep. And we have a son. And you are still in my apartment, for no apparent reason.

Sarah: I hope you get custody. I never liked kids.

Phoebe: Um… okay, to phrase this politely… what the _hell _are you talking about?

Sarah: Mike. I want him back. And I _always _get what I want.

Phoebe: What makes you think he would leave me?

Sarah: …the reasons I just said. That "I _always _get what I want" with the menacing look, did you not get that?

Phoebe: Mike loves me, and you're just his pill-popping ex-wife.

Sarah: Uh-uh, you don't want to make me mad. I'm tae-kwon-do instructor.

Phoebe: Well… I'm a massage therapist, and I know people. _Very _relaxed people who could take you down.

Sarah: I broke someone's leg once.

Phoebe: I used to mug people.

_A pause._

Sarah: I just got a manicure.

Phoebe: Yeah, and I got my hair done yesterday.

Sarah: Let's not fight. But I will get my husband back. You better watch yourself.

Phoebe: Yeah, well you better… get an umbrella. 'Cause… it's raining outside.

_Exit Sarah. Scene ends and opens in Joey and Erin's apartment. Rachel and Joey are looking for Joey's iPod. _

Joey: Was it in the bathroom?

Rachel: No.

Joey: Was it between the couch cushions?

Rachel: Okay, I would have _announced _it if I'd found it.

Joey: Did you check the silverware drawer?

Rachel: Why would it be in the silverware drawer?

Joey: That's exactly what Chandler said when Chick Jr. was lost.

_Enter Ross. _

Ross: Hey.

Joey: We're not looking for anything!

Ross: Uh… okay. You guys wanna go catch a movie?

Rachel: Yeah… ooh, I've been dying to go see that new Adam Sandler movie. Let's go!

Ross: Alright.

_Rachel walks Ross out the door and then shuts the door and locks it. _

Rachel: We have to find it before he realizes what I just did!

Ross (O.S.): Rachel, I know you locked the door! And also, I can hear you!

Rachel: He's onto us!

_Scene ends and opens in Phoebe and Mike's apartment. Phoebe is sitting on the couch, chewing her thumbnail nervously. Enter Mike._

Mike: Hey.

Phoebe: Someone's trying to steal you!

Mike: Don't worry, I'll set the alarm.

Phoebe: Your ex-wife came over and she said she was trying to get you back.

Mike: What?

Phoebe: She told me that she wanted you back.

Mike: Well, that's weird.

Phoebe: So… you're not…

Mike: What? Thinking about it?

_Mike sits on the couch next to Phoebe._

Mike: You said she came over, so I'm guessing you met her?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Mike: And you really think I want to go back to _that_? Phoebe, Sarah is insane. And so are you, for thinking I would ever even consider leaving you and Joel.

Phoebe: But… she was your first love.

Mike: You've got a first love that you don't think about anymore.

Phoebe: Totally! I _never _think about David. Like ever.

Mike: I'll talk to Sarah. I'll tell her not to come around here. Maybe I'll get a restraining order.

Phoebe: Ugh, I remember when I had to deal with that.

Mike: Did you have to get a restraining order against someone?

Phoebe: …yeah. That's what I meant.

_Scene ends and opens in Joey and Erin's apartment. Rachel and Joey are sitting on the couch, exhausted._

Rachel: Okay, I officially give up. We have looked everywhere. On the couch, on the counter… there's nowhere left to look.

_A pause. _

Joey: How mad will you be if I just realized that it's in my other pocket?

Rachel: I'm too tired right now. Come back later and I'll yell at you.

Joey: Okay.

_Credits appear on screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Chandler is sitting on the couch, typing on his laptop. Enter Monica._

Monica: What are you doing?

Chandler: I'm deleting us off of Facebook to reduce the risk of us ever running into Janice again.

_A pause._

Chandler: Oh, look, I got an animal in Farmville!

**END OF SHOW**


	12. The One With The Orphan Cookie

_Scene opens in the hallway between Joey and Erin's and Ross and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Chandler, Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey enter from the stairs._

Ross: I'm just saying, if you look at the research as a whole-

Chandler: We're not listening. Always assume that we're not listening.

_The gang looks down and notices a cookie sitting in the middle of the floor._

Rachel: Weird. I wonder whose that is.

Phoebe: Oh, I bet it doesn't belong to anybody. It's like a little orphan cookie.

Joey: Dibs!

Monica: Gross! That's on the floor.

Joey: Apocalypse dibs!

Rachel: What is "apocalypse dibs"?

Joey: If, by some tragic occurrence, that cookie becomes the last edible food on the planet, then I get to eat it.

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Phoebe is sitting in an arm chair. Monica and Chandler are standing in the kitchen, peeling potatoes. Joey is sitting at the table. Enter Erin. She sighs dramatically. Joey stands up._

Joey: Hey.

_Erin and Joey hug and kiss._

Chandler (to Monica): We should be more like that.

Monica: Shut up and peel your potato.

Joey (to Erin): Is something wrong?

Erin: I'm dead!

Chandler: Well, you look great.

Erin: The writers on my show killed off my character!

_Erin drags a chair from the table back before sitting in it and it grates forcefully against the floor._

Rachel: Don't scrape! I just wax- Monica just waxed the floors!

_Joey sits at the table._

Joey: You're fired?

Erin: And I didn't even do anything wrong! They thought it would be a good idea to make my character die for some story arc or character development or something.

Joey: So what happened? You fall down an elevator shaft? Poisoned? Rabid monkey?

Erin: I suggested the rabid monkey thing for my death scene, actually. You know, give me a little experience with animals, make my death scene more dramatic, but no. I get stabbed to death by my ex-husband's best friend's second cousin, who's also my stepfather.

Rachel: Why don't we ever watch this show?

Erin: Well, I should go prepare for my big scene. I have one line- "What are you- arghhh!" Oh, this is so pathetic.

Monica (trying to make Erin feel better): There's an orphan cookie in the hallway.

Erin: Apocalypse dibs!

_Exit Erin and Joey._

Chandler: Look how in-sync they are. We should be more like that.

Monica: I don't hear your potato peeler moving.

Chandler: That's because you don't let me use a potato peeler, you told me to use my fingernails.

Monica: Then use them!

Ross: Can you pass me the remote? There's a special about cockroaches on the Discovery Channel that I wanted to watch.

_Rachel tosses the remote behind the couch._

Rachel: Whoops, lost it! Guess we'll just have to watch E.

Ross: It's okay, I'll just change it with the TV.

_Ross begins to stand up. _

Rachel: No wait wait wait… agh! Leg cramp! Baby, can you come massage it for me?

Ross: Uh, okay.

_Ross sits back down on the couch and begins massaging Rachel's leg. _

Ross: Your leg looks a little dry. I'm gonna go get some lotion.

_Exit Ross to the bathroom._

Rachel: You're welcome everyone, I saved the TV!

Chandler: But I don't want to watch E.

Monica: Yes, you do.

Chandler: Yes I do.

_Enter Joey._

Joey: This sucks!

Chandler: Do we not do optimism anymore?

Joey: Erin doesn't even want to talk to me. And now our apartment only has one income, and I don't have a steady job. I could die at any minute.

_A pause._

Joey: I mean, Drake Remoray could die. But so could I! Now I'm the only doughwinner. You know, I'm responsible for raking in the bread.

Chandler: You might want to reverse those.

_Reenter Ross, with a bottle of lotion. Ross sits on the couch._

Phoebe: Come on! Be a man! Win her back!

Joey: Uh, Pheebs… what?

Phoebe: What? Oh, I'm sorry. I can't pay attention. I'm so tired.

Monica: Why?

Phoebe: Mike's stressing out about something so he started staying up all night and I can't sleep with him freaking out and running around the apartment.

Ross: Something? You don't know what he's so stressed about?

Phoebe: Well, he tried to tell me at one point, but then I got distracted and we had sex.

_Awkward pause, Chandler looks at Monica. Monica holds up her potato peeler threateningly. _

Monica: Say "we should be more like that". I dare you.

_Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Monica and Ross are sitting on the couch. Ross is reading an issue of National Geographic. Rachel is sitting in the arm chair, writing on napkins and adding them to a stack of napkins on the table._

Monica: Rachel, what are you doing?

Rachel: Well, the other day I was in here and my wedding ring slipped into the latte I was drinking, and immediately this guy came over to talk to me.

Ross: Wait- you dropped your wedding ring, the one that I paid eight thousand dollars for, into coffee?

Rachel: Not just coffee, a latte.

_Ross sighs and returns to reading his magazine. _

Rachel: So, anyway, the guy-

Monica: Whoa, you're talking about some guy who was flirting with you in front of your husband?

Rachel: Oh, he's too into his National Geographic to pay attention. Watch this- Hey, Ross! Jurassic Park is possible!

_Ross doesn't look up. _

Monica: Okay.

Rachel: So he asked for a napkin, but… I didn't have any.

Monica: So? You're married.

Rachel: Yeah, but I really liked people thinking I was single again.

_Monica picks up a napkin and looks at it._

Monica: And now you're hoping he'll come back and you'll have a napkin to give him?

Rachel: That's right! And once he takes a napkin, he'll have my phone number.

Monica: Rachel!

Rachel: What? It's not my _real _number.

_Monica looks at the napkin again._

Monica: 867-5309?

Rachel: Yeah, and I'm telling you, it is hard to get that song out of your head after you've written it about fifty times.

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on the couch._

Phoebe: Do you think I should kill off Smelly Cat?

Chandler: What?

Phoebe: I'm thinking about writing a second Smelly Cat song, but where the cat dies.

Chandler: Why would you do that?

Phoebe: All the great writers kill off their best characters. Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet, Kenny.

Chandler: Who's Kenny?

Phoebe: From South Park? He dies in every episode.

Chandler: You watch South Park?

Phoebe (defensively): No.

Chandler: Well, I think you should keep Smelly Cat alive. He provides an inspiration for cats the stink all over the world.

Phoebe: Smelly Cat's a she. Isn't that obvious?

Chandler: No, no it's not.

Phoebe: So you don't think I should kill of the cat?

Chandler: No, I like Smelly Cat. It would be sad if she stopped living.

Phoebe: Don't be such a girl, Chandler.

_A pause._

Phoebe: If I _did _kill her off, how should I do it?

Chandler: Run over by a bus.

Phoebe: Shot in the head.

Chandler: Locked in a freezer.

Phoebe: Infected with an exotic disease… that makes her think she has seven heads.

Chandler: Spontaneous explosion.

Phoebe: Poison slipped into her milk each day, making her weaker and weaker, until someone corners her in a dark alley and strangles her with one hand while her tomcat lover watches in horror.

_Awkward pause._

Chandler: What?

Phoebe: I don't know, dog attack?

Chandler: Bitten by a rat!

Phoebe: Hit on the head with a frying pan!

Chandler: We're plotting cat murder.

Phoebe: My ideas were better.

Chandler: What? Who would rather be hit on the head with a frying pan than locked in a freezer?

_Scene ends and opens in Joey and Erin's apartment. Erin is sitting on the couch. Joey is walking around the apartment, talking on the phone. _

Erin: I want to be hit on the head with a frying pan!

Joey (to Erin): They don't like you changing the script. It makes actors look like total divas. (on phone) Yeah, can I get another tube of lotion sent to my dressing room? That last one just smelled a little too much like cranberries.

Erin: I just get stabbed. It's so boring.

Joey (to Erin): Have you ever been stabbed? I'm guessing it's very, very not boring.

_Joey ends the call and puts the phone back in its cradle before joining Erin on the couch._

Joey: Well, there are always ways to make it dramatic. Acting is all about expressions.

Erin: I get a knife in my chest. I'm pretty sure my expression is supposed to be pain. And I hate my pain face, it's not artistic.

Joey: All of your faces are adorable!

Erin: Thanks.

Joey: And hey, I was brought back to life on my show, maybe they can do that for you.

Erin: I get chopped up and buried in various parts of the woods.

Joey: Maybe you can be a ghost.

Erin: I just need to get a new job and move past this. They're going to kill me off, so be it.

Joey: Yeah, and that show is going to suffer without you and the great acting you bring to Am… Ju… Sam-

Erin: My character's name is Becky.

Joey: That's what I was going to say!

_Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Rachel's pile of napkins is still on the table. Rachel is reading a copy of Vogue. _

Monica: Rachel, are you seriously doing this?

_Rachel glances at her over the top of her magazine._

Rachel: Doing what?

Monica: Cheating on my brother!

Rachel: It's not _cheating _if you don't do anything.

Monica: You are doing something! You're flirting with this guy, you're giving him your phone number.

Rachel: It's not my real phone number.

Monica: So you're lying to two different guys?

Rachel: No, I told Ross everything. He just wasn't listening.

Monica: He was reading National Geographic. The coffee shop could have blown up and he wouldn't have noticed. Why do you care so much that some random guy is flirting with you?

Rachel: Because I miss it! I miss dating. Yes, I love Ross, and I don't want to be with anyone but him, I just… if there were a way to go on a first date with Ross again, I would love that.

Monica: There may be something we can do about that.

Rachel: What, the time machine Joey keeps talking about? Last night he finally remembered that it was a dream.

Monica: Just give me a few hours, and then go up and wait in your apartment.

Rachel: Nobody's going to die, right?

Monica: Just trust me.

Rachel: You didn't say nobody was going to die.

Monica: Now what do we do with all these fake phone numbers?

_Monica picks up the stack of napkins._

Rachel: Ooh! We could market them and sell them to other women who want a quick and easy fake phone number to give out!

Monica (sarcastically): Ooh, that's a great idea!

_Monica rips the napkins in half. Scene ends and opens in Joey and Erin's apartment. Erin is sitting at the table, holding an empty wine glass. She tries to take a sip of it but realizes that there is nothing in it. _

Erin: How long has this been empty?

_Enter Joey._

Joey: I've got good news!

Erin: And more wine?

Joey: No.

_Joey realizes how drunk she is and takes the wine glass out of her hand._

Joey: _No_. I talked to the producers at my show, and they offered you a role!

Erin: What?

Joey: Yeah, I showed them your demo reel and they loved it. _And_, they want you to play Drake Remoray's love interest!

Erin: Yay!

Joey: For an indefinite number of episodes!

Erin: Yay!

_Joey and Erin kiss. Credits appear onscreen. _

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting at the table. There is a knock at the door. She answers the knock, and opens the door to find Ross standing there._

Ross: Hi, I'm Ross. Wow, Monica said you were pretty, but I didn't expect you to be this beautiful.

Rachel: Oh. Okay, I guess we're doing this thing. Rachel.

_Ross and Rachel shake hands. _

Ross: We should probably go, don't want to miss our reservation.

Rachel: Okay.

_Rachel exits the apartment. Scene follows Ross and Rachel as they walk down the hallway. _

Ross: You look like the kind of woman that cries adorably at game shows.

Rachel: Yeah, you look like the kind of guy that annoyingly corrects everybody's grammar.

Ross: Let's just go.

**END OF SHOW**


	13. The One With Erin's New Job

_Scene opens in Joey and Erin's apartment. Joey, Chandler, and Phoebe are standing in the kitchen. A box of Ramen noodles is sitting on the counter. _

Phoebe: I don't see how you can live off this stuff the way you do, Joey. It's disgusting.

Chandler: I disagree.

Phoebe: Well, then you're stupid.

Chandler: Trust me, if I didn't live with a chef, I would be eating Ramen every night for dinner and loving it. It's delicious. It's cheap, it's easy, it's fast.

_Joey snaps._

Chandler: Are we out of our hypnotic trances now?

Joey: Cheap, easy, fast? Sorry, it sounded like you were talking about a hooker.

Chandler: Then why did you snap?

Joey: It's a thing. When somebody sets himself up for a dirty joke, you snap instead of saying "that's what she said" or something.

Phoebe: Oh, I get it. You're a ten-year-old!

Joey: You can tease me all you want, but I'm telling you, it's going around. _Everybody _is _doing _it.

_Chandler snaps. Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Monica is carrying a duffel bag and has a suitcase behind her. Chandler is standing beside her, holding Jack and Erica._

Monica: Did you call ahead to verify our reservations at the hotel?

Chandler: Yes. And just ignore any weird looks we get, I _may_ have thought that I was on hold when I wasn't and started singing "Walk This Way" by Aerosmith because I had it stuck in my head.

Monica: You what?

Chandler: I said _may_. It's only a slight possibility.

Monica: Whatever. You cancelled the newspaper, right?

Chandler: Okay, really, it's only a weekend, two newspa-

Monica: Did you?

Chandler: Yes!

Monica: Don't test me, Bing, I'm in full travel mode.

Chandler: Travel mode? Is that like when you made me wear a kiddie leash the last time we were in an airport?

Monica: I didn't want you to get lost. Haven't you heard all those horror stories about husbands wandering off and getting abducted?

Chandler: …No.

Monica: Well… didn't you like wearing the little teddy bear?

Chandler: …Yes.

Monica: Okay. Don't test me. Did you remember to drop the kids off at Ross and Rachel's?

_Chandler looks down at Jack and Erica._

Chandler: Yes.

_Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Rachel and Ross are sitting on the couch. Joey and Erin are standing behind the couch. Enter Chandler._

Chandler (to Ross and Rachel): Hey, can you guys take Jack and Erica this weekend?

Rachel (to Ross): Tell him we have plans.

Ross: We have plans.

Chandler: Doing what?

Rachel: Tell him we're also going away for the weekend.

Ross: We're also going away for the weekend.

Chandler: Where are you going?

Rachel: Um… um… um… Tell him we can't hear him.

Ross: We can't-

Chandler: Oh, shut up.

_Chandler sits in a chair at the end table._

Chandler: You guys should really perfect telecommunication.

Joey: Yeah, Erin and I have it.

_Erin and Joey stare at each other intently. _

Rachel: You're both just thinking about food.

Joey: Hey, look, Rache has it too!

Erin: Alright, I have to go to work.

Joey: Oh, yeah, where is it you work again?

Erin: This show, Days of Our Lives. Have you heard of it?

Joey: Hey, I work there too!

Erin: Small world!

_Erin kisses Joey and exits._

Joey: How long before that bit starts getting old?

Chandler: It's the first time I'm hearing it and _I _want to punch you in the face.

Rachel: So, Erin's at Days of Our Lives now?

Joey: Yup. I'm finally the one getting jobs for other people.

Chandler: Haven't you slept with, like, all the extras and minor actresses on that show?

Joey: Most of them.

Chandler: Aren't you worried that Erin's going to meet them?

_A pause._

Joey: Oh, crap.

_Exit Joey. _

Ross: I should be going, too.

Rachel: Where?

Ross: Well, I'm getting a massage from our Phoebe Buffay.

Rachel: I thought you hated massages.

Ross: Yeah, but I felt like it would be good to do her a favor, and also to try something for the first time. I know I'd feel bad if you guys didn't come to my lectures.

Rachel: That's right, and as soon as I clear up that little ID snafu at NYU I will be right in there, listening to you!

Ross: Alright, I don't want to be late! Bye, Rachel, love you!

Rachel: Bye!

_Rachel and Ross kiss. Exit Ross._

Chandler: Aren't you worried?

Rachel: About what?

Chandler (sarcastically): The Mayan-predicted end of the world in 2012.

Rachel: This is why we don't hang out alone together.

Chandler: Aren't you worried about your husband… in a room… naked… while some other woman rubs him…?

Rachel: It's Phoebe! She's not going to try anything.

Chandler: Noticed that you didn't defend Ross.

Rachel: I trust both of them. Besides, Phoebe is a professional.

Chandler: Okay, but this is pretty much the exact situation you went through with Paolo. Remember when Phoebe gave him a massage? And remember the whole Ross-and-Chloe-the-Copy-Girl incident?

_A pause._

Rachel: Oh, crap.

_Exit Rachel._

Chandler: I am getting _good _at this!

_Enter Monica, carrying a duffel bag and the twins and pulling a suitcase behind her. _

Monica (sarcastically): Thanks for all your help, hubby.

Chandler: Sorry, sorry.

_Chandler stands up and takes Jack and Erica._

Monica: Did you talk to Ross and Rachel?

Chandler: Yeah, I don't think they can take the kids, at least not if we want to leave right now. Ross is in the middle of getting a massage and Rachel is in the middle of… thinking he's getting more than a massage.

Monica: What? Why would she think that?

Chandler: Well, I didn't say anything!

Monica: Maybe we should just drive out to my parents' and drop the kids off there.

Chandler: I was really looking forward to getting out of here now, though. I wanted to order room service lunch.

Monica: This morning you said you wanted to get McDonald's for lunch.

Chandler: I have constantly changing needs!

_Scene ends and opens on the set of __Days of Our Lives__. Erin is talking to another actress._

Erin: Yeah, I'm Joey's fiancée. He got me the job.

Actress (Belle): You're _Joey's _fiancé? Are you sure? He did actually ask you to marry him, right?

Erin: Yeah…

Belle: That's really out of character for him. Joey Tribbianni?

Erin: Yeah. The only Joey on this show.

Belle: Well, you must know something I don't, because he was way too afraid of commitment when I was with him.

Erin: You were… what?

Belle: Actually, I'm the one he was cheating on Rebecca Sanchez with.

_Belle points to another actress standing at a short distance away from them._

Erin: He dated Rebecca Sanchez?

Belle: Don't you read magazines?

Erin: No, I have a life.

Belle: Are you saying I don't?

_Enter Joey, behind them. _

Joey: Hey, Erin.

_Erin and Belle do not notice him._

Erin: Are you calling my fiancé a man-whore?

Joey: Please tell me you two are doing a scene.

_Scene ends and opens in the waiting room for Phoebe's massage parlor. Rachel is pacing back and forth on the floor. A man waiting for his massage is sitting in a chair in the waiting room. _

Man (Rick): Nervous about something?

Rachel: Yeah.

Rick: Is that why you're here? For a massage?

Rachel: I'm not really here for a massage.

Rick: Oh. I could give you one, for free. If you wanted.

Rachel: Oh, do you work here?

Rick: No.

Rachel: Okay. I'm going to stay on this side of the room.

_Enter Phoebe._

Phoebe: Hey, Rache. What are you doing here?

Rachel: Chandler just got me a little freaked out.

Phoebe: Oh, was it his Tim Allen impression? It sounds so creepy!

Rachel: No. He was just… saying some things… about Ross. And you.

Phoebe: What? Did he tell you about the refrigerator camera thing? Because I swear that was Ross's idea, I didn't even know about it!

Rachel: Okay, you're freaking me out more than the Tim Allen thing right now. No, Chandler may have _suggested _that you and Ross were… doing more than massaging.

Phoebe: We are.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: I also gave him a haircut. Did he not tell you that?

Rachel: Stop scaring me! Tell the truth.

Phoebe: Stop asking me roundabout questions, then! What are you trying to say?

Rick: I believe she's attempting to insinuate that you and this Ross are having an affair.

Phoebe: How did you get back in here? What about your restraining order?

Rick: It was retracted.

Phoebe: Really?

Rick: No.

Phoebe: Get out!

_Rick exits._

Rachel: Wow, he was really-

Phoebe: Do you seriously think I'd do that?

Rachel: Do what?

Phoebe: Cheat on Mike, with Ross, who's married to you. That's three people that I love! I'd never do anything to hurt you, or them.

Rachel: Oh, Phoebe-

Phoebe: I mean yeah, I have cheated on boyfriends before. I mean, who hasn't-

_Rachel raises her hand._

Phoebe: But I'm married now. I'm settled down. And Ross is _your _husband. We're just friends. I'm just his friend, helping him out when he was a sore back and a sucky haircut.

Rachel: I know, well- wait, I gave him his last haircut.

Phoebe: Continue.

Rachel: I just felt really paranoid. Everything just seems kind of suspicious.

Phoebe: Rachel, do you trust me?

Rachel: Yes.

Phoebe: Do you trust him?

Rachel: Yes.

Phoebe: Do you think Ross could _ever _get someone as hot as me?

Rachel: No. Wait, are you saying you're hotter than me?

Phoebe: Stop getting mad at me, I'm trying to convince you that I'm not sleeping with your husband!

_Enter Ross._

Ross: Hey. What are you doing here, Rachel?

Rachel: I'm… getting a massage! From Phoebe!

Ross: Oh, okay. I'll see you at home.

Rachel: Okay.

_Exit Ross._

Phoebe: You're really going to let me give you a massage?

Rachel: No.

_Scene ends and opens on the set of __Days of Our Lives__. Joey, Erin, and Belle are standing together._

Erin: Joey, what are you doing here?

Joey: I came to hang out with you, my fiancée, the only woman I have ever loved!

Belle: I thought you were also in love with that Rachel girl a few years ago.

Erin: Do you work for TMZ? Are they following him?

Joey: Belle, can you just leave us alone for now?

Belle: Can't be too hard, you've been doing that to me ever since we slept together.

Erin: So you two did sleep together?

Joey: No!

Belle: Yes.

Joey: She's right.

Belle: I'm just gonna go. They've got spicy meatballs over at the food table.

_Belle exits. Joey begins to exit, but Erin grabs his arm._

Erin: Seriously? Love test, me or meatballs?

Joey (reluctantly): You.

Erin: Are you trying to hide all of your ex-girlfriends from me?

Joey: No! I don't have any ex-girlfriends.

Erin: Joey!

Joey: Okay, I may have dated a few other girls.

Erin: Look, we've both been with other people in the past. It's not like we don't have baggage. Hell, I was pregnant once-

Joey: Whoa! Whoa whoa whoa whoa-

Erin: Joey, calm down. Brad's? Years ago?

Joey: Sorry. I told you, be careful about using that word.

Erin: I'm just trying to say, don't act like you need to pretend you haven't slept with women before.

Joey: Okay.

Erin: Okay. I love you.

Joey: I love you too. Meatballs?

Erin: Hell yeah, I'm starving.

_Erin and Joey exit. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch. Monica is holding Jack and Erica. Ross is sitting beside them on the couch and Rachel is sitting in the arm chair. Phoebe is sitting on the floor in front of the couch. _

Ross (to Chandler and Monica): Hey, I thought you two were going on that big trip this weekend?

Chandler and Monica: Meh.

Rachel: You spent two weeks planning and packing for this trip and now you're just "meh"?

Chandler: Okay, what about that time that you practiced singing for three months because you wanted to audition for _American Idol_ and then you skipped it to go to a sale at Bloomingdale's?

Rachel: Meh. I can't sing anyway, but now I can't sing and I have a cut jacket.

_Credits appear on screen. _

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens on the set of __Days of Our Lives__. Joey and Erin are walking around. _

Erin: It's like the first day of school again. I don't know anybody.

Joey: Oh, let's go meet- never mind, slept with her.

Erin: What about that camerawoman? She looks nice.

Joey: Nope. Hit that.

Erin: Well, how about that guy?

Joey: We can't talk to him.

Erin: What?

Joey: No, no, I just owe him money.

Erin: Oh.

**END OF SHOW**


	14. The One With The Murder Mystery

_Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Joey is walking through the kitchen. Enter Ross and Rachel from their bedroom, both in bathrobes. _

Rachel: Joey! There's a sign on the door!

Ross: Because apparently neither a sock nor a tie on the doorknob is universal.

Joey: I'm sorry, I'm out of spicy mustard! Why don't you guys just lock the door?

Ross: Safety. What if there were a fire or some kind of natural disaster? We would have no idea.

Rachel: Oh, sweetie, you're not that good.

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Central Perk. Phoebe is sitting in the chair at the end table. Ross is sitting in the arm chair. Joey is sitting on the couch._

Phoebe: Do you think the world will end in 2012?

Ross: No, I don't believe in stupid Mayan superstitions. Although if it does end, they better hurry up on an _Avatar _sequel.

_Enter Monica and Chandler._

Monica: Hey, everybody!

_Monica looks around to see that only Phoebe and Ross are there._

Monica: Or… not everybody.

_Monica and Chandler sit on the couch. _

Monica: We're throwing a murder mystery themed Valentine's Day party at our house tonight!

Phoebe: Ooh, I love that idea! It's like "who killed romance?"

Ross: Well, there's one way to look at it.

Chandler: I still say we could have just as much fun hanging out and watching CSI.

Monica: No, we're throwing a party. It'll be cool. I was thinking, I throw a lot of parties, why haven't I ever thrown a murder-y party?

Chandler: Because it's morbid and gory and the sight of blood makes me want to vomit.

Monica: Oh, relax. You're not even on the corpse committee.

Ross: We have a corpse committee now?

Monica: Thanks for volunteering, Ross. Your first task is finding a fake dead body in New York City.

Chandler: Wouldn't it be easier to just kill somebody?

Monica: Stop saying that about everything! Do you want to get kicked out of another Subway?

Chandler: I don't really get why we need to have a murder mystery themed party. It just seems dumb.

Monica: Well, I've tried everything else! Halloween party, baby party, classy bachelorette party, dirty bachelorette party, New Year's party. It was time for a party about death.

Chandler: Wouldn't that be a funeral party?

Joey: Hey, you want a change? How about a dirty bachelor party?

Monica: Shut up and help me plan a murder.

Ross: Hey, I haven't heard that since eighth grade when you were mad that your locker got broken into and your Snickers bars got stolen.

Monica: Yeah, that bitch, Missy Andersen. Ooh, I still haven't thought of a name for our victim! Maybe I could use her name!

Chandler: That sounds healthy.

_Scene ends and opens in Joey and Erin's apartment. Erin is sitting at the table, reading a bridal magazine. She smiles, cuts out a picture of a wedding dress, and holds it up against a makeshift paper doll._

Erin: Oh, Erin, you're going to look lovely at your wedding.

_Enter Joey. Erin quickly shoves the doll and dress back into the magazine and hastily pushes the magazine across the table._

Erin: Hey, Joey.

Joey: Hey. That a wedding magazine?

Erin: No.

Joey: I told you that you don't have to be self-conscious about how excited you are to marry _this_.

_Joey gestures to himself. Erin glares at him._

Joey: To marry _me._

_Erin continues to glare at him._

Joey: To _get _married.

Erin: There you go.

Joey: Seriously, plan away. For the first time in my life, I'm not freaking out about committing or getting married at all. You can plan as much as you like.

Erin: Okay. Do you think the bouquets should have a dozen white roses or fifteen?

Joey: It's time to step back a little.

_Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Monica is kneeling on the carpet, taping out the outline of a splayed body in white tape. Chandler is standing next to her, staring at what she's doing._

Chandler: We really need this authenticity?

Monica: It's a crime scene!

Chandler: In our living room?

Monica: Yes, that's where she was killed.

Chandler: Who dies in the _living _room?

Monica: Ha… Mr. Boddy, from Clue. It was Miss Scarlet, in the living room, with the top hat!

_Chandler stares at her oddly._

Monica: I just… got the two board games confused, didn't I?

Chandler: Yeah, you did.

Monica: Help me up.

_Monica extends a hand and Chandler lifts her into a standing position. _

Chandler: So who exactly is coming to this thing?

Monica: You, me, Phoebe, Rachel and Ross, and Joey and hopefully his fiancée.

Chandler: Nobody else?

Monica: Everyone else I invited already had plans.

Chandler: Or alibis.

Monica: See, you're getting into the spirit!

Chandler: I hate it when you get to me.

Monica: Okay, I'm going to go print out the "suspect list," and you start setting the evidence out. This is going to be fun!

Chandler: What evidence?

Monica: I've got it all in a box on the kitchen table. It's clues and stuff that point us toward the killer. You know, a Bloomingdale's receipt for Rachel, a dinosaur fossil for Ross.

Chandler: So we're supposed to think he just carries bones and fossils around with him in his pockets all the time?

Monica: Just scatter the evidence around the room.

Chandler: Are we planning on _fingerprinting _everyone, too?

Monica: Ew, no! Ink smudges!

Chandler: There's, apparently, a dead body in your living room and you're worried about ink?

Monica: I'm always worried about ink!

_Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's living room, time has elapsed. The room is decorated for the murder mystery party. Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are standing in the room. _

Monica: Mike couldn't come?

Phoebe: No, murder really freaks him out.

Chandler: Weird, he must be _sane_.

_Enter Ross and Rachel._

Rachel: Hey! Ooh, it's spooky in here.

Monica: It's not supposed to be spooky. It's supposed to be murder-y.

Chandler: Oh my God, we've progressed to inventing adjectives. Monica, I really think-

Monica: Oh, we get it! You don't _approve _of a murder mystery party for whatever reason, can you stop being such a buzz kill and go hang out upstairs or something?

Chandler: Okay.

_Exit Chandler. A pause._

Monica: Did you guys notice I slipped the word "kill" in there?

Ross: Oh…

Rachel: Yeah, I guess.

Monica: See even when I'm mad I'm still in theme.

_Enter Joey and Erin._

Joey: Hey!

_Joey looks around at everyone's solemn expressions (they are upset about Monica and Chandler's argument.)_

Joey: Whoa, who died?

Phoebe: Monica and Chandler are fighting.

_Erin points to the tape outline on the floor._

Erin: Seriously, though.

_Time elapses. Scene remains in living room. Monica is sitting on the couch, everyone else (but Chandler) is gathered around her. _

Monica: Okay, so our victim was found dead at four in the afternoon, and it's been predicted that he died at eight in the morning.

Rachel: Oh my God, where are the earrings I wore in here? I can't find them! It's like the fake murder mystery party turned into a real robbery? What if it turns into a real murder? It would be all ironic and horrible.

Monica: Will you calm down? I swiped stuff from all of you when you walked in, to use as evidence. Now, on with the murder!

Erin: So, is there going to be cake?

Joey: There should be cake.

Monica: If I make a cake, will you concentrate and actually act serious? We're investigating a murder!

Ross: And you definitely know how to keep the fun going.

Joey: No, I will focus. I can use this for experience in playing a homicide detective, like in this movie I'm auditioning for.

Erin: Nice. You ever played a cop before?

Joey: Not really.

Rachel: I thought Mac Machiavelli, from your "Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E." show was a cop.

Joey: Yeah, but this time my partner has skin.

Monica: Okay, I'm going to go bake a cake, you guys read over the list of clues and try to narrow down suspects.

_Monica exits to kitchen, then reenters immediately after._

Monica: You guys aren't having fun, are you?

Phoebe: No.

Ross: No.

Erin: I don't even know what's going on!

Monica: Oh, come on! I worked really hard to plan a murder mystery party and now nobody is enjoying it.

Rachel: Well, we kind of just wanted to hang out. Do something nice, like dinner. It _is _Valentine's Day.

Monica: I was trying to do something new and different for Valentine's Day.

Phoebe: It's _Valentine's _Day, Monica. It's a holiday, and holidays are supposed to be traditional.

Monica: I don't know why I even went through with this, the whole thing was for Chandler. He hates tradition, that's why I was trying to do something new.

Joey: What are you talking about? Chandler loves tradition! That's why he and I always get pizza on Fridays.

Rachel: You didn't last week. Or the week before that.

Joey: Exactly, two weeks in a row! That makes "sometimes not getting pizza" a _tradition_.

Ross: Monica, _why _would you think he hated traditions?

Monica: He told me that he hated traditions last Christmas when I asked him to make Christmas cookies with me.

Rachel: Oh, Mon, none of us like making cookies with you.

Joey: Yeah, you yell at us when we use too many sprinkles.

Monica: Well, they should be evenly spread on each cookie. Proportionally.

_Enter Chandler._

Chandler: Okay, you want a murder?

_Chandler lays down on the floor. _

Chandler: Alright, I'm dead.

Monica: Oh, we're not doing that anymore.

_Monica helps Chandler stand up._

Monica: But you would die for me?

Chandler: I felt guilty storming off during your big party. Besides, it's Valentine's Day, I wanted to be with you. I love you.

_A pause._

Monica: I mean, if you wanted, you could position yourself to fit in that white tape outline.

Chandler: I don't love you that much.

_Credits appear on screen. _

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in the hall between Ross and Rachel's and Joey and Erin's apartment. Joey is standing in front of Ross and Rachel's apartment. He knocks on their door. Rachel answers, again in her robe._

Rachel: Oh, come on, Joey! It's Valentine's Day!

Joey: I know! I just need one of Ross's condoms.

Rachel: We keep them on the stairs.

_Joey looks to the left, at the stairs._

Joey: What?

_Rachel slams the door in his face. _

**END OF SHOW**


	15. Author's Note

**Alright, the unthinkable has happened: I'm fresh out of ideas. I know how I want to end the season, but I cannot think of anything to write for the next few episodes before that. Please give me suggestions for plotlines, and if I see a good one I'll write it (giving credit to the person who submitted it). Once I get an idea, the episodes will be back on track, but as of now I kind of have writer's block. Please help!**


	16. The One After the Hiatus

**A/N: "I'm back, baby!" Credit for the Ross and Rachel storyline goes to shazza123456789. **

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Rachel is sitting on the couch and Ross is sitting in the arm chair. Enter Chandler, wearing an NYU t-shirt._

Chandler: You know that expression about how, when people keep coming up and asking the same question, you want to just get the answer emblazoned on a t-shirt?

Rachel: Yeah.

Chandler: Well I've been wearing this all day and people keep asking me if I went to NYU. I mean, what is the next step?

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Central Perk. Joey, Erin, and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting in the arm chair. Chandler is sitting in a chair at the end table, reading a newspaper._

Chandler: There's a lot of engagement announcements in this issue.

Ross: That's probably because it's right after Valentine's Day. A lot of people get engaged on that day, but they're busy so they aren't able to get the announcement into the paper for a while.

Chandler: I was just… pointing something out. Why do you always have to ruin everything by going all statistic-y?

Ross: Speaking of statistics-

Chandler: We were not speaking of statistics! This is exactly what I was talking about.

Joey (to Erin): Well, I know that a hundred percent of me is happy to be engaged to a hundred percent of you.

_Joey leans in, as if to kiss her._

Erin: No, you don't get a kiss for being cheesy.

Joey: You're right, I should save that line for the show.

_Joey pulls out a pen and begins writing it on his hand. _

Rachel: I have to say, Joey, while we're on the subject of engagements and proposals, I never expected you to even manage to pick out a ring.

Joey: Well, I guess I'm just naturally good at picking out engagement rings. Or maybe I picked it up from Ross, with all the times he's bought a ring.

Erin (skeptically): Really? So you weren't completely lost and needed Monica and a saleswoman to do everything concerning the ring for you?

Joey: Nope. I guess I just knew what I was doing.

Erin: I bet you couldn't name three different ring cuts.

Joey: Sure I can! There's princess cut, butterfly cut… and filet mignon.

_Scene ends and opens in Phoebe and Mike's apartment. Phoebe is sitting at the counter. Enter Monica._

Monica: Hey, I got here as soon as I could. So what happened, what's the big emergency?

Phoebe: Oh. We started a palmistry thing at my salon and I need somebody to practice on.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Yay, you're here, so now I can read your palms.

Monica: I ran over here to see if you were okay. I darted through traffic! I could have died!

Phoebe: Well, if you would let me read your palms I could find out when you're actually going to die.

_Monica sighs and sits at the counter, extending her hands._

Monica: Fine, but this is the last time you trick me into running over here.

_Phoebe leans over and looks at Monica's palm. She traces a line on it. _

Phoebe: No it's not. This is going to happen again at least twice this year.

_Scene ends and opens in Joey and Erin's apartment. Joey is standing by the counter, eating handfuls of Captain Crunch out of a cereal box. Enter Chandler._

Chandler: Hey. You know that's how they eat in bowl-less civilizations.

Joey: I ran out of milk.

Chandler: Then why did you eat cereal?

Joey: I heard they were discontinuing Captain Crunch because it's too unhealthy, so I had to eat all I had before they come and take it away.

_Chandler stares at him._

Chandler: I think I might be losing brain cells for every second I'm in this conversation.

Joey: You wanna watch some TV?

Chandler: Hell yeah.

_Joey and Chandler walk over to the couch and Joey turns on the TV. The screen flashes and then shorts out. A pause._

Joey: Did it just break?

Chandler: Or this is a really boring intro to _Outer Limits. _

_Joey walks over to the television and looks at the back._

Joey: It looks like it exploded.

Chandler: Well TVs don't just randomly explode!

Joey: I didn't say it was random. I spilled beer on it last night.

_Scene ends and opens in Ross's NYU classroom. Ross is standing at his desk, organizing his papers and shutting his briefcase. Enter Rachel._

Rachel: Hey.

Ross (surprised to see her): Hi.

_Ross and Rachel kiss._

Rachel: Happy anniversary. I dropped Emma off at my mom's, thought I'd come surprise you.

Ross: Anniversary of...?

Rachel: The night we started dating.

Ross: Which time?

Rachel: The last time.

Ross: Of course! Happy anniversary!

Rachel: I know it's not a big thing, so I didn't expect you to get me anything. It's okay.

Ross: Good, because I didn't know we were doing this.

Rachel: No, it's fine! I didn't want to do presents. Which means I didn't expect one. Which is why I would be very, very surprised if you gave me one right now.

_Rachel looks around the room. _

Rachel: Seriously, last thing from my mind. Would not see it coming.

_Rachel keeps looking around. Ross shrugs._

Rachel: Dammit, Ross!

_Scene ends and opens in Phoebe and Mike's apartment. Phoebe and Monica are sitting at the counter. Phoebe is reading Monica's palm. _

Phoebe: Ooh.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: You're going to die at 32.

Monica: I'm forty-one.

Phoebe: Whoops, that's a four. Forty-two. **(A/N: It's the answer to life, the universe, and everything.)**

_Monica looks freaked out._

Phoebe: You'll meet the man of your dreams in three years.

Monica: But I'm already married. And by then I'll be dead!

Phoebe: Okay, let's move on to deciphering your personality and what's going on with you currently. You're pregnant with twins.

Monica: You knew that already.

Phoebe: You're going to name them Phoebe and Phoebo.

Monica: No, I'm not.

Phoebe: You're an obsessive cleaner locked in a loveless marriage.

Monica: You already knew that, and _what _do you have against Chandler?

Phoebe: You can be a bitch sometimes.

Monica: That's true about everyone.

Phoebe: You have brown hair.

Monica: Where did you… what is… do you even know how to read palms?

Phoebe: I'm taking a class.

Monica: And?

Phoebe: It starts tomorrow. I was trying to see if I was already gifted.

Monica: You are not.

Phoebe: Fine. Wait, wait, I'm seeing something!

Monica: An irate friend getting ready to storm out of your apartment?

Phoebe: It's you! You _are _going to die young because you're stubborn!

Monica: I am _not _stubborn!

_Scene ends and opens in the planetarium at the museum. Enter Ross and Rachel._

Ross: Now we can relive our first first date.

Rachel: Minus the part where we wake up naked in front of a group of elementary school kids.

Ross: Of course. Don't worry, we'll get home later tonight.

_Ross sets a rug down on the floor and goes to turn on the stars when he realizes something._

Ross: You left that doorstop in the door, right?

Rachel: Now I feel like it was something I should have done.

Ross: Rachel! Now we're locked in!

Rachel: What? How did you get in then?

Ross: There was a doorstop!

Rachel: Well, I'm sure we can call for someone to get us out of here.

Ross: Yes, yes, with our cell phones that we left in the car.

_Scene ends and opens in Joey and Erin's apartment. Joey has the TV propped up on the counter. He is fiddling around with the wires. Enter Erin from hers and Joey's bedroom. _

Erin (as she's noticing what they're doing): Hey, hon, I think we need to… get… to… work?

Joey: The TV's broken. I'm fixing it.

Erin: Like how you "fixed" that rat problem we had?

Joey: Hey, I don't see any rats here!

Erin: Duck Jr. almost died!

Joey: Almost, okay? Almost! Don't forget that important word.

Erin: Whatever. We have to get to the set.

Joey: Yeah…

Erin: What?

Joey: I'm not really comfortable leaving Stevie like this. Are you okay with lying to my boss?

Erin: Look, I love you, but-

Joey: I love you too! See how we work together? Now you better get to work, so you can get my lie in on time.

Erin: What do you want me to tell him?

Joey: Tell him my wife is having a baby.

_Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Chandler and Monica are in the kitchen. Chandler is standing by the counter. Monica is pacing across the floor. _

Monica: I don't even know what she's thinking! She's wrong!

Chandler: Totally wrong.

Monica: She's crazy.

Chandler: She's insane! I've been saying it for years. Who are we talking about again?

Monica: Phoebe. She thinks I'm stubborn.

Chandler: …Oh?

Monica: I'm not! I can be open-minded. I married you, didn't I?

Chandler: Do you want me on your side?

Monica: She says I'm going to die young because I'm so stubborn.

Chandler: Last week she predicted that Joey was going to win the only Oscar ever awarded for a TV show.

Monica: Well, his show is getting really, really good!

Chandler: You're getting all worked up over nothing. Just let it go.

Monica: So what, now you're calling me stubborn?

Chandler: No, I'm just saying, you need to forget this so we can get you back on being normal again.

Monica: I just can't believe she would say something like that to me. I'm not narrow-minded, or stubborn, or hard-headed, or stubborn… what's another synonym?

Chandler: Rambling?

Monica: You aren't helping.

Chandler: Listen, Monica. Isn't there just the teeniest, tiniest possibility that you might be a teensy bit resistant to all opinions but your own?

Monica: No.

_Scene ends and opens in the museum. Ross and Rachel have located a payphone and are using it to call for help._

Ross: How do we know Joey will answer it?

Rachel: He won't recognize the number, he'll probably think it's some radio contest he won.

_Scene cuts to Joey in his and Erin's apartment. The television is sitting on his counter, wires poking out. Joey is talking on the phone. _

Joey (on the phone): Yeah, I think I might need a repairman. …What? I don't care about the basketball game tonight! He's dying over here! … Replacement?

_Joey hangs up the phone immediately, horrified. As he turns back to the TV, the phone rings again (Ross and Rachel). He glances at it._

Joey: I can't be talking on the phone at a time like this!

_Joey returns to fiddling with the TV. Scene returns to Ross and Rachel in the museum._

Rachel: Not picking up, huh?

Ross: I can't leave a message, either. He screwed up his answering machine, all I hear is a bunch of beeping.

Rachel: Oh, are you sure that's not his robot impression? 'Cause he does that.

_Ross listens._

Ross: Nope. Just a broken machine.

_Rachel kicks the wall in frustration._

Ross (sarcastically): Good idea, we'll kick our way out of here.

Rachel: Who locks a museum on the inside?

Ross: Maybe they're afraid the dinosaur skeletons will come to life and try to escape.

_A pause._

Ross: I really wish I hadn't thought that.

Rachel: We have to get out of here.

_Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch._

Joey: I don't think he's gonna make it.

Phoebe: Oh, Joey.

_Phoebe hugs Joey._

Joey: There was so much we never had a chance to do. There was a rerun of _Die Hard _this weekend, and a new episode of _How I Met Your Mother _next week. We were going to grow old together.

Phoebe: Well, now you can get a plasma screen or something.

Joey: How could you say something like that?

_Enter Monica and Chandler. _

Monica: I'm not stubborn! I'm totally open-minded about whatever anyone has to say.

Chandler: Then maybe you should consider-

Monica: Lalalalalalalalalala!

Chandler: Mature.

_Monica sits on the couch. Chandler sits in the arm chair._

Phoebe: Are you still upset about that?

Monica: Yes!

Phoebe: Oh, I misread your palm. It didn't say _stubborn_, it said _sunburned. _You're going to die of getting too tan.

Monica: Oh. Good!

Chandler: Fine, but I call getting steamrolled when my number's up.

Joey: How can you be joking about death? Stevie's almost gone!

_Credits appear on screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Enter Ross and Rachel. _

Rachel: Finally home.

Ross: Thank-you for sacrificing your shoe.

Rachel: Thank-you for reaching around the shattered glass to open the door.

Ross: I just hope the security cameras didn't catch any of that.

Rachel: Okay, just know… if we get in trouble for this, you assaulted and kidnapped me and I was being held there against my will.

Ross: Happy anniversary.

Rachel: Happy anniversary.

_Ross and Rachel kiss._

**END OF SHOW**


	17. Another Author's Note

**A/N: Ooh, you guys are going to hate me... I'm doing Script Frenzy this April, and I'm writing a screenplay, so I won't have time to work on fanfiction. When I come back from April, there will be the season finale sometime in May (and it is a cliffie!)**

**If you want me to post spoilers/teasers for the finale on here over April, say so in reviews. Again, so sorry! **


	18. Finale Teaser

_Their phone rings._

Ross (drunk): Whoa! What was that?

Rachel: That's the phone. Go lie down.

_Rachel answers the phone._

Rachel (on the phone): Hello? She's… what? Ross! Ross!


	19. The One Where Monica Has A Baby Or Two

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Chandler and Ross are sitting on the couch. Joey is sitting in a chair at the end table. _

Joey: Hey, you guys want coffee? I'm going up there.

Ross: I'm good.

Chandler: Can you get me a half-caffeinated no foam latte, with a shot of cinnamon and two shots of caramel?

Joey (confused): Uh… sure.

_Joey walks up to the counter and tells his order to Gunther._

Joey: Yeah, I'll have a regular coffee with cream, and a…

_Joey glances back at Chandler._

Joey: Coffee black.

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Enter Ross and Rachel. _

Ross: That was a great play.

Rachel: It was a movie.

Ross: Really? Wow, all these new 3D effects are incredible. Also, there's a chance I had slightly too much wine at dinner.

_Their phone rings._

Ross (drunk): Whoa! What was that?

Rachel: That's the phone. Go lie down.

_Rachel answers the phone._

Rachel (on the phone): Hello? She's… what? Ross! Ross!

Ross: I'm standing right here.

Rachel: (to Ross) We have to go! (on phone) Yeah, we'll be right there. Bye! (to Ross) Oh my God! Come on, we need to go.

Ross: Did I get drunker in the past five minutes? Why are you so excited?

Rachel: That was Chandler. Monica's having the babies!

_Ross and Rachel exit. Scene ends and opens in a hospital waiting room. Chandler is sitting in a chair, beside Monica, who's in a wheelchair. Chandler pulls out a brochure from a rack on the table beside him._

Chandler: Hey, look, this one says "Pregnant and Scared?" They could really improve that by being more specific. I mean, there's a lot to be scared of. Look, Mon, there's a spider! See, now you're pregnant and scared.

_Monica just stares at him. Chandler pulls out another brochure._

Chandler: And this one says "What to Know About the Human Heart."

Monica: You don't have to do all of them, you know.

_Enter Joey, running, followed by Phoebe, also running from a different direction. Joey points at Phoebe in triumph._

Joey: Ha!

Phoebe: Dammit.

_Phoebe hands Joey a bill._

Monica: Guys?

Phoebe: Monica!

_Phoebe and Joey converge on Monica and Chandler and sit in two chairs. _

Joey: So, how're you holding up? You're really gonna go through with this?

Monica: It's not really like I have any other options, you know.

Joey: Right.

Phoebe: Are they letting you have your kids out here? That's so cool!

Chandler: No, we're just waiting for the nurses to get her room made up.

Phoebe: Oh. Slightly less cool. Listen, Mon, if you want any advice, you know, I've done this before.

Monica: That's great, Phoebe, but you should know I've been preparing to have a baby pretty much since I _was _one.

Phoebe (jilted): Oh, okay then.

_Phoebe turns away and mimics what Monica just said in an annoyed voice. Joey pats her comfortingly on the back. _

Monica: Where are Ross and Rachel?

Chandler: Don't want them to miss the show?

Monica: Show?

Chandler: I mean… the miracle! Of life!

_A nurse enters the room with a clipboard._

Nurse: Monica Geller-Bing?

Monica: That's me!

_Chandler rolls her wheelchair following the nurse. The three of them exit._

Joey: You think we should go with them?

Phoebe: Let's stay out here for a while.

_Enter Ross and Rachel._

Phoebe: Hey! You made it!

Ross: Of course I made it! My sister's having babies!

_A pause._

Ross: Oh, my God, my sister's having babies.

_Ross collapses into a chair._

Rachel: Thanks, Pheebs, I've been trying to keep him from this the whole cab ride over.

_Rachel sits beside Ross in another chair. _

Phoebe: Hey, did anyone call the babysitter for the twins?

Rachel: Oh, yeah, I did that on the way over. (to Ross) Ross, quick, call the babysitter!

_Scene ends and opens in Monica's delivery room. She's lying on the hospital bed, and Chandler's standing beside her. _

Monica: Listen, can you get me some antibacterial wipes, because this table thingy right here is- ow! Oh my God, what the hell was that?

Chandler: That was a contraction, honey.

Monica: No, no, my contractions are exactly seventy-three seconds apart, I'm not supposed to have one til _now_.

Chandler: They get closer together… you knew this.

Monica: What?

Chandler: They talked about it in Lamaze class, and… I thought it was sort of general knowledge. For you. You, the one who's been preparing for this since you were a baby.

Monica: Okay, I should tell you something.

Chandler: What?

Monica: I didn't exactly pay the right amount of attention in those classes.

Chandler: How much did you pay?

Monica: You know that _Office _show that you love that you make me watch with you?

Chandler: Yeah…

Monica: Less than I pay to that.

Chandler: Oh my God! How did _you _not pay attention to a class, you're like obsessed with being the best student? And how did you _not _know everything about childbirth? You're obsessed with that too!

Monica: I don't know, pregnancy hormones?

Chandler: How do you expect to _do this_?

Monica: I thought the baby would just kind of come out! Tribal women have done it for centuries before modern medicine came along!

_Chandler rubs his eyes and sits down in a chair beside the bed. _

Chandler: Oh my God…

_He pulls a pack of gum from his pocket and opens it._

Chandler: Did you eat all my gum?

Monica: Pregnancy hormones?

_Scene ends and opens in the waiting room. Phoebe, Joey, Ross, and Rachel are sitting in the chairs. _

Joey: I'm bored.

Phoebe: I told you to bring your word finds.

Joey: I lost them.

Ross: Ha… so you couldn't _find _your word _finds_?

_Ross looks around as his joke falls flat._

Ross: Oh my God, my sister's having babies!

Joey: I'm bored.

Rachel: You said that already.

Joey: When Erin and I have kids, we're going to hire some entertainment for the people in the waiting room. Like clowns. Or strippers!

_Enter Chandler. _

Chandler: Clowns and strippers, sounds like my dad's last party.

Rachel: Hey, how's Monica?

_Chandler mumbles something._

Rachel: What?

Chandler: Okay, Rachel and Phoebe, I need you to come with me.

_Rachel and Phoebe stand up. Ross also stands up._

Ross: Wait, do you need me?

Chandler: Do you have a uterus?

_Ross sits back down. Chandler, Rachel, and Phoebe exit to the hallway. Scene follows them._

Chandler: Okay, so the thing is, Monica doesn't actually know how to do this.

Rachel: What? Raise kids? She's been doing it for three years.

Chandler: No, not the _raising _part, the… dropping part.

Phoebe: What are you talking about?

Chandler: She doesn't know about contractions, or breathing, or… or contractions…

Phoebe: So knock her out and cut the kids out of her.

_Rachel and Chandler stare at Phoebe._

Phoebe: I mean, of course we'll help!

Chandler: There you go.

_Scene ends and opens in Monica's delivery room. Monica's lying on the bed. An obstetrician stands by her feet. Enter Chandler, Rachel, and Phoebe._

Rachel: Hey, sweetie, how are you doing?

Monica: I'm fine, you two didn't need to come in.

Obstetrician: Now, exactly how long ago did your water break?

Monica: Um… I don't know, how do you tell that?

Chandler: Less than an hour ago.

Monica: What he said.

Rachel: Listen, Monica, don't freak out, it's all up there.

_Monica looks above her head._

Rachel: No, I meant… _in _your head… (to Phoebe) She's hopeless.

Monica: What do I do? I don't know what to do, I think I partially didn't expect this to come and I kind of pushed it away and now it's here and I'm supposed to be pushing two whole people out of me and I don't know how- ow! Ow, oh my God! What was _that_?

Obstetrician: That was a contraction, just like the last time. And the time before that. You're five centimeters dilated, by the way.

Monica: I don't know what that means.

_Scene ends and opens in the waiting room. Ross and Joey are sitting in the chairs._

Joey: Wow. Monica's finally having kids, it's kind of hard to believe.

Ross: Yeah. Remember when Ben was born?

Joey: Yeah, you and Phoebe got locked in the closet with that lesbian.

Ross: Remember when Emma was born?

_Joey chuckles._

Joey: I remember what Monica and Chandler were doing locked in a closet when Emma was born. _He glances at Ross. _What exactly were you and Phoebe and the lesbian doing in that closet?

_Ross glares at Joey. Enter Rachel._

Rachel: Hey, guys.

Ross: Hey.

Joey: What's wrong with Monica?

_Rachel sits down beside Ross._

Rachel: Well, Monica's having some… trouble.

Ross: That's good, we were afraid you were going to be vague or something.

Rachel: Monica doesn't know how to… _birth._

Ross: Is that a verb?

Joey: How hard can it be? Doctor says to push, you push.

_Rachel glares at Joey._

Rachel: On behalf of women everywhere, and because I want to-

_Rachel flicks Joey's ear._

Ross: How far along is she?

Rachel: Ten centimeters, she's ready to start pushing. I need to get back in there, she's really freaked out.

_Rachel kisses Ross and exits. Scene ends and opens in Monica's delivery room. Monica is lying on the bed, Chandler and Phoebe are standing beside her. An obstetrician is at her feet, kneeling down. A nurses is standing beside the obstetrician. Enter Rachel._

Rachel: Alright, come on Monica, you can do this!

Monica: I don't know how!

Obstetrician: I need you to push, Monica.

Monica: I don't know how!

Rachel: Mon, listen, remember how scared I was thirteen years ago moving into the city and making it on my own?

_Monica nods._

Rachel: And you took me under your wing and taught me about the real world, remember that?

Monica: Yeah.

Rachel: I learned, you can too.

Monica: No, I can't, I just don't _get _it. I'm scared. I'm pregnant and scared.

Chandler: You want me to go get the booklet?

Obstetrician: The first baby is crowning. Push, Monica!

Monica: I can't!

_Enter Joey. _

Joey: Hello, I'm Dr. Drake Remoray, I'll be assisting in this delivery.

Monica: Joey, get out!

Joey: It's Dr. Remoray.

_Joey comes to stand next to Monica._

Joey: I'm gonna need you to push, Monica.

Obstetrician: Who are you?

Monica: I can't!

Joey: Yes, you can, lives are hanging in the balance!

Monica: I…

Joey: You need to have these babies so that we can get you out of here before the bomb goes off!

Obstetrician: What bomb?

Chandler: Joey!

Monica: I'll do it.

Phoebe: What?

Joey: Come on, Monica.

_Monica pushes and the first baby is born. _

Obstetrician: It's a girl.

Monica: Oh, it's the girl one- now, should we wait until both of them are out to start naming them and celebrating or should we go one at a ti- oh… kay, never mind, next one's coming.

Joey: You can do this, Monica.

_The second baby is born. A nurse hands Monica the twins._

Monica: Oh…

_Scene ends and opens in another hospital room. Monica is lying in a hospital bed, holding the twins. Chandler is sitting on the bed beside her with an arm around her. Ross and Rachel are standing on one side of the bed with their arms around each other. Phoebe and Joey are on the other side._

Monica: Thank-you, guys, I couldn't have done this without you.

Ross: I helped in spirit.

Chandler: I just never thought this day would come… I'm so happy we were able to do this.

Phoebe: So, so what are their names?

Chandler: Well, the girl is Ramona.

Monica: And the boy is Drake.

_Monica smiles at Joey. _

Monica: Thank-you, Dr. Remoray.

_Monica starts crying._

Monica: Ugh, I can't stop crying. You shouldn't see me like this, I look weak.

Chandler: No one thinks your weak, Mon. We love you. I love you.

Rachel (crying herself): Yeah, you can cry as much as you want.

_Ross smiles at Rachel and squeezes her shoulder._

Joey: You guys are gonna make great parents. Already are.

Monica: I know.

_Monica glances down at the twins and starts crying._

Chandler: What? What is it?

Monica: I can't tell which is which!

_Credits appear on screen. _

**END OF SHOW**

**END OF SEASON**

**END OF SERIES?**

**A/N: I am soooo sorry for the wait. I've had a busy summer, going through a move, and I'm getting into other fandoms. I'm sorry, you've all been so supportive that you deserve better. And, unfortunately, in the past few episodes my interest has been dimming. I just can't commit to this storyline anymore- I mean, there's a reason they never went back to the apartment. The stories have been played out. I'm slowly gaining a life. There's a slim possibility of me doing a 14****th**** season, and I have a plan for it, so if I decided to do that I'd add an alternative ending to this season. But, if I don't continue, if this is the end, then I want to thank you all for the past 2 years of reading and reviewing, thanks for both the praise and constructive criticism. Thank you for calling me out when I mess up the continuity, thank you for supplying me with ideas. Thank you for reading every week. You guys keep me going. Thanks for everything, sincerely. **

**You guys wanna get some coffee?****  
**


	20. Author's Note 2

**A/N: Just wanted to let you all know that, although I will not be continuing with the series, Popcorn Life has adopted and continued the series at http: / / www. fanfiction .net / s / 7493310/ 1 / Friends_Season_14_a_continuation_of_Duck_Lifes (without spaces). I recommend reading the new episodes if you enjoyed my stories, and I hope you all like where Popcorn Life has decided to take the story. **


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